My first iTalk CBT Workshop

A couple of weeks back I had my iTalk phone assessment and the following week we ran through the options available to me through the iTalk service. Which were;

1. Online activities and discussions 

2. Phone CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), one to one discussions

3. CBT workshops 

I opted for the workshops, as this provided me with the most contact time and hopefully a chance to talk with other people going through a similar struggle. The online option did not really appeal to me. While I saw value in the one to one phone support, I thought I would benefit more from the additional contact time available in the workshops. The one to one phone support is still something I could access after the workshops should I require it. Additionally I was able to start the six week program the following week. Whereas the one to one phone support would have required a 6-8 week wait.  

So this week I had my first CBT workshop. The workshops I am attending are called lifting low mood. They are 90 minute sessions and run for six consecutive weeks. 

For me the first session was a bit dry with a lot of talking / presenting from the practitioners and not much from those of us attending. However this was the first session so I am hoping this is something we build on in the coming sessions. 

My workshop had two practitioners and 16 attendees. I was a bit apprehensive about how many people would be there and if anyone would recognise me, as it was held at a local venue. So I did feel some additional anxiety prior to attending. 

During the session I felt agitated a number of times. I found myself picking at skin on my fingers and playing with a pen. These things helped to keep my hands occupied, I think for me this particularly happens when I'm thinking or when I become anxious. I suppose it is a need to do something physical with my hands and keep them occupied, maybe? Through the session I wouldn't say I learnt much, but it did give me a few things to think about. I felt this was an ok start to a six week program and I like that we where given 'homework' to reflect on how our own experience would fit into a cycle that we looked at during the session in reference to a case study. I haven't done this yet. But I will do prior to next week, as we will be discussing some of our thoughts at the next workshop. 

All in all I am looking forward to the next session and seeing how it goes.  

My first week on Citalopram

After New Year I decided that I had to start taking the antidepressants that my Doctor had prescribed to me at the start of December. For lots of reasons I had tried to not take them, even as someone who would recommend to others that they should take the help that is available to them. Including recognising the importance of treating the brain in the same way as other body parts, when there is a problem or an injury we treat it sometimes that is rest sometimes that's medication or a form of therapy. The brain should be is no different.
I struggled with taking the meds because Ive always tried to be happy with who I am. Whether I'm going through bad or good points they all make up..... me. Overcoming those bad times, is part of life we all experience them. I believe that overcoming them is part of what makes us us, and what makes us strong. I felt that in taking the meds I was saying I can not cope with life, I'm not happy with who I am, I have failed. On top of that I did not want to become reliant on medication, and realised that once I started taking the citalopram I would have to keep taking it for at least 3 - 6 months.

These are the main reasons I hadn't been taking the medication before New Year, I managed to keep going day to day. Some where fine, others where clearly not. But I didn't want to take the support that was there. Slowly I did start to talk to a few more people about my depression and about the medication. To my surprise I know a few people who have taken or are taking either the same or something similar. This made a big difference to me. Knowing that not just other people do take this, but people I know, people I trust, people that I can see have benefited from taking the medication.

So after New Year I decided that I needed to start taking the citalopram. Which I have now been taking for just over one week. So I thought this would be a good time to recap what that has been like. At this stage I should say I have decided to take my meds at night just before bed, and I am taking one 20mg per day.
I would say the first 3 days my sleep was very disrupted and my dreams where dark. The first two nights this woke me mid way through in quite a bit of shock. Since then my sleep has levelled out, I am just up once or twice a night now. This is a little less than before I was taking the citalopram.
Day 2 to 6 the skin on my face was very flakey, even with dry skin moisturiser on. This too seems to have settled after the first week. Every day I have felt quite sick in the morning, while this has gradually got less as the days have passed it is still present (every day). The feeling usually lasts around one to two hours. Another thing I have noticed is that I really struggle to get out of bed in the morning, it can take over an hour! This is really not great for me, as a morning person it adds even more disappointment and depression at my struggle. I am hoping this is something that as the meds start to take affect (it takes around two weeks for them to kick in) I will find easier.
I also found the first couple of days back at work tricky with the beautiful eye I had, after some self injury at New Year, gaining some unwanted attention. While this did lead to some questions, my quick, direct, short and obvious redirect of the conversation meant that I didn't get asked about this after Tuesday by anyone.

At the end of my first week I had a friends 30th Birthday party, something that until New Year I had been looking forward to. Since then it has filled me with fear as I worry about what happens if this happens again. I tried not to think about it, hoping this would lessen the anxiety I was feeling. Even on the morning of the party I was still looking forward to it, trying not to over think. By the afternoon I was thinking about not attending, I could go to bed, I was tired, I could do other things (not sure what they were this over thinking, anxiety and depression is exhausting). I decided I wanted to go, I wasn't going to let my friend down. I would go.

The evening as a whole was lovely, I got to chat with old school friends, listen to good music and enjoy a little party food. I even managed to talk a bit about whats been going on with a couple of friends. However...I still had, I don't know something. It breaks me to know that I'm like this. So, I started to feel an internal struggle. I tried to just rest my head and focus on my breathing, but I soon lost the ability to move my head or react to anyone. I was losing myself in myself. It is so hard to explain. I don't know how long this was maybe 10 minutes? Maybe 5, maybe 20? I could feel the tears coming and I was doing all I could to keep my arms still. At some stage Sarah asked me if I wanted to go outside. Somehow I managed to pick myself up and amble to the door. Once outside I broke down the steady flow of tears started. Sarah hugged me and took me for a walk. I couldn't believe I was hear again. Yes it wasn't anything like last time, but still, I had not drunk any alcohol and was having a nice time, I felt I had got passed the anxiety of getting through the evening. As we walked I started to get angry at myself, then disappointed that I was here again. It was all I could do to stop me hitting myself. I didn't feel any victory in stopping this, just disappointment that this is where I am in my life. 'What was your achievement today? Well I just about managed to stop me hitting myself'. Great.
We walked around and we talked about some of the things that have been going on. I really do appreciate the amazing friends I have around me. After a couple of cries and hugs, we returned to the party. I was determined to stay until the end, I wouldn't let the depression ruin the night for me. As I said on the whole I choose to remember the night as lovely, but it was a challenge.

Well, that was my first week and a bit of citalopram. Fare to say its been a bit messy, but its a journey.

New Year Journal Entry - Depression & more?

So New Year...

Well it was one to remember and one to forget. I actually can't remember half of it already and not in a good way. As planned I was having a good afternoon with Darryl and Sam before going to the Talking Heads gig. Katie was also going to join us. 

However, around the time I started to feel tipsy I must have lost control. I don't remember what happened, but from what I've heard the struggles I've been keeping in took over. I lost control of my body and parts of my mind. I was still there but had no control over what I was doing. 

Apparently I started hitting myself and talking about self harming. I remember being in the conservatory trying to get air, wanting to be outside. But it's all just flashes. At times I could hear the girls voices and feel them holding my hand. It did calm me for a time I think. But I also remember struggling with Darryl and lashing out. 

I remember being in pain. I remember knowing I needed to be restrained, I remember 'tapping out' and wanting to die. I couldn't struggle any more. I had lost the fight for my body and for my mind. That 'box' your meant to put all the bad things in to contain them, now held me, instead of the bad thoughts which now had control. The most I could do was say sorry and keep asking "please help". 

At one stage, possibly two I remember getting outside and starting to walk away from the house. Well, I didn't exactly get far, pretty sure I only made it halfway up the drive. 

At some stage the guys called my dad who came and picked me up. I vaguely recall being moved / bundled into his car. Then trying really hard to at least contain myself because I was in a car. Once I was at dads I think I raged most of the night. I'm saying raged it could have been a type of seizure or attack I don't know. 

Then this morning I was again desperate for fresh air, bread and water. I don't now how loud I was but it felt like I was calling out and shouting for a long time. There was some variation, I occasionally added in a "I need help" "what's wrong with me" and what I can't only assume will now be known as my catchphrase "please help". 

During the day I did have, something I think resembling a seizure, a number of times. It started with a pins and needles like feeling in my arm, that then moved down to my hand. As this tingling filled my arm, my hand / fingers would manipulate themselves and stayed fixed in their position. Even when the seizure past it was some time until I regained control of my hand. I found this highly alarming, worrying and emotional. Particularly when trying to pick something up or even just seeing my hand. Feeling yourself lose control is not good. 

Going for a walk and getting some air helped a lot. I even managed to compose myself in front of by passers. At least I think I did. I still struggled with just coming to terms with what happened. The realisation that the battle I fight, was lost...for a while there I had lost and I was nothing, I didn't exist. 

I struggled and forced down dinner. Eating a meal has helped but it was so difficult to do. After this I slept for a few hours. Great! However I'm now waking up at 10pm less great. My eye is starting to hurt (its from hitting myself last night) and I feel soreness on my arms, legs and hands. I'm hoping that I continue to 'normalise' and am ok tomorrow. I've decided to take my medication starting Sunday. I'm hoping this will start to help in a couple of weeks too. 

Here's hoping that your New Year has got off to a better start than mine.