Talking with Friends - Sick Not Weak

Check out my Guest Blog on Sick Not Weak - Talking with Friends

Reaching for the Pen

When you find yourself somewhere between having an episode and wanting one to take over your body. 

I just can't deal with this I am unable to process these feelings, these emotions. 

I welcome the moments when it takes over my body. I welcome the loss of control. This is the only feeling I can accept. 

My mind is somewhere between racing and being absent. 

I want to let people know Im ok, but I can't bring myself to lie, heck I cant even pick up the phone. My ability to communicate has gone. 

I am grateful I have reached for a pen, its stopped me clenching my fist and punching myself. 

I am still twitching but much less now. 

Im not sure if it will come back, but I can at least move now. 

- These were my thoughts during a episode -

The misuse of "anxiety"

I'm writing this a few days after the event so I have calmed down a fair bit now. But, it's still really annoying!

Right, well, I guess I should actually tell you what's got me all annoyed. 

Earlier this week in the morning I was radio channel hopping in the car while sitting in traffic on the way to work. Eventually I found a song playing. Then a song or two later the talking happens, Radio One is not a station I would usually stay on but I did. 

Nick Grimshaw and his co host are talking about accidentally sending messages to the person your talking about or posting their name on social media when you meant to search it. Basically what I think is being described is bullying...worry not it gets worse!

Nick a couple of times says talking about this is giving him "anxiety". This riled me a little, as someone in the mental health community who talks about the misuse of words. The fact we see or rather hear mental health ILLNESSES used as adjectives. Still haven't heard anyone say they feel cancery and I probably will never hear that because cancer has more visible symptoms and there has been great work done by cancer charities to educate our society. 

While the use of the word "anxiety" was upsetting for my, I considered, maybe you could honestly have anxiety symptoms in the situation being described. If I think about this behaviour situation. Your talking about someone behind their back, and they might be about to find out how you feel. Or maybe Laura is about to find out you've been stalking her photos and you've just liked an Instagram photo from 12 months ago. Then how would I feel, I could be nervous, unsure, on edge, unable to think about anything else, it stop me doing or concentrating on tasks.

Ok so maybe while not the best example. This is an...ok... use of "anxiety". Maybe I'm overreacting. 

The radio conversation continues, Nick then says "I'm getting full on anxiety"! I also rip the radio out of the car to throw it out the window. This is ridiculous, uneducated, uninformed, misleading, stigma building, potentially isolating and extremely damaging to the mental health movement that people within our communities are fighting for. We try to raise awareness, prevent stigma, support fellow suffers and those around them. Previously I have mentioned the damage that mainstream media are doing when it comes to mental health. But in honestly I think I have done this imagining a faceless media. Well this week I heard what I consider ignorant and harmful use of the ILLNESS anxiety. 

I'd like to think I always consider what the other side was thinking and their perspective. With that in mind I had self justified the use of "anxiety", but "I'm getting full on anxiety"?! No, no, no! 

This was another example of how mental health is not seen as serious or important by the media, specifically Nick Grimshaw and Radio One. A very sad day for radio! 

The mental health community will continue will continue to raise awareness in the hope we see and hear less of this. More importantly so people suffering from this ILLNESS will not feel alone, will know there is support, help and understanding out there. You just will not fine it on Radio One. 

Speed Dating (repost)

Coming soon I will be writing a article for Daily Focal which will be based on my thoughts and experience of speed dating. With that in mind I though this would be a great opportinuy to repost a blog entry from over a year ago, especially since I posted this to an old blog feed (not this one). Enjoy and visit Daily Focal for my upcoming articles. 

Thanks

In the last few weeks I've decided I would like to put myself back out there and have, on recommendation from Rachel, joined a couple of dating apps and signed up for a singles night.

The apps are pretty hit and miss in my opinion so far. I've heard horror stories and success stories, so that, I guess, reinforces that view. Additionally I enjoy face to face interaction much more. I feel that I learn more about the person I am with and gain a better feeling for if there is any sort of connection when you are physically in each others presence. 

For this reason I was interested and excited to attend a Match.com event in Southampton with Rachel. We went along and had dinner (in the same venue as the event) before the event started. This allowed us to see the first few people go up and know we wouldn't be the first to enter. We tried to see who was going up to the function room to gage a few things about the people attending, like attractiveness, age, gender. This was fairly unsuccessful, we could see that some people had gone up but we couldn't see enough to tell what they where like. This was an open event, so there could be mainly 20, 30, 50, 80 year olds, we didn't know. In a strange way that made me more nervous and more relaxed at the same time. Its hard to explain.  

About 20 minutes after the event started we made our way over and signed in with the host. At this point we were given a drinks card, there was something about finding someone (of the opposite sex) with a matching card to get a free drink, but we quickly saw you could exchange them for a drink without matching them. So I'm not sure if it didn't matter, or maybe we would have gotten a better drink if we'd matched it? I really don't know. 

* I have since worked out, I think, that these are just conversation starters. It makes no difference to your drink. 

For a while we just talked to each other, as everyone else was notability older than us (minimum 15 years older) and that wasn't something we were looking for. After about 15 minutes there was a steady influx of people. Somehow we created a group of 5 and chatted as a small group for a while. Sometimes with multiple conversations at once. 

It was really nice to just chat to people and enjoy being sociable with new people. Through I evening I mainly spoke to two girls, April and Julianna. While Rach spoke to a couple of guys. It was great to be there with someone, but be happy to talk to different people / groups. I guess it made me feel more comfortable and relaxed. 

The two girls I spoke to where friends and where really interesting to talk to. We discussed a few things throughout the evening, I did get distracted a couple of times with tying to work out their safe, or escape phase (which I managed to get by the end of the evening using my skills of deduction). At one stage in the evening I did look around the room and see that there where quite a few people at the event now and thought maybe I should 'mingle' more. However I was enjoying the conversation and company I currently had so opted to stay where I was. Occasionally someone would come over and sit with the three of us, but they would also leave after a short while. The next time I looked around the room had started to empty out, more people where leaving and the bar was shutting. It felt like it had been 10 minutes, I can only assume it had been much longer.

I really enjoyed the event and was glad that Rach had suggested it. I continue to chat with April, we've even been on two dates.

Shortly after the singles night we also signed up for a Speed Dating event. This time Rach's sister, Helen would be coming with us too.

I was looking forward to the speed dating to see how different it was to the open, free, Match event. This event was booked through Speed Dater and had a £13 booking fee. Now I've mentioned the money, I feel this is an appropriate time to mention one of the differences here. Attending the 'open' mingle type of event before was great to attend with someone of the opposite gender. Speed Dating however, not as much. You are paying to meet people, so what is the point of going with people you already know? For me, I really like these girls so spending time with them is a joy and something I look forward to. However, I was definitely feeling that I had two wasted dates, which equated to £2.60 of my booking free. Ok, I've said it now I'll let that go. They really are lovely girls 😀  

This time on arrival we grabbed drinks and made our way up to the event area straight away. There were a couple of people there already, but a majority hadn't arrived yet. 

As people began to arrive there was a visible difference in the attire people where wearing, particularly I thought the guys. Having gone with the smart casual standard shirt and jeans, I was interested to see Gary turn up in a suit and tie combo and another chap wearing t-shirt jeans and carrying a bag. A couple of the girls seemed to have come together and where dressed in similar fashion, so there wasn't as much of a difference in their attire.

Rach, Helen and myself sat down and chatted for about 20 minutes. At this point the event host provided an overview of the evening and how the dates would work. Ladies would sit at a table for the evening with men rotating tables every four minutes, the four minutes would be sounded by a bell. We had been provided with the scorecard, which we could make notes on following each date. Along with ticking if we were interested in dating this person, being friends or not interested. 

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Once we started, you start on the table that matches your number, so for example girl 3 starts with boy 3. I immediately enjoyed the experience and talking to the different girls that where there. I found it hilarious that the host put Rachel and Helen next to each other. Meaning each could hear the others conversation. Meeting the family on the first date, within four minutes, still makes me chuckle. Personally I was not keen on the set up of the room, I didn't feel the space was optimised and some dates where very close to others and then two where in there own space. It just seemed a little strange. I did not seem to have a chance to make any 'notes' as I went around. I managed with just noting down name and table number.

As an experience it was different to what I had expected. I though you'd be able to chat with people, but you may need to think of a topic or question if the conversation stalled. However I found the opposite, it was easy to talk to everyone. But with the time going so fast, it became important to move the conversation on to other topics sometimes, or you learnt nothing about the person other than a hobby or their job. The event as a whole seemed to pass very quickly which I suppose shows I had a good time. We hung around after the event finished with two guys (Chris and Mike) and two girls (Emma and Tracey) for a little while, having a couple of drinks and chatting about our thoughts on the evening. I retain the belief that these are great events for meeting and chatting to new people. I think the pressure comes when you go hoping to meet someone that night. 

I think the two events are very different, and both are worth attending. Speed Dating is good for confidence building because you have to talk to everyone at the event. However it can be restrictive if you want to spend more that a couple of minutes with someone. Then you really need to catch them at the end of the dating and chat a bit more. The open events, such as Match, are nice relaxing evenings out and you can attend without the same pressure that may come with speed dating, however (again) you do have to make the effort to approach and talk to people. No one is going to ring a bell a say its your turn with that girl / guy you like the look of.

Talking about Mental Health at Interview and in the Workplace

This morning I read a blog post by Kayleigh (@veryberrycosmo) about mental health and employment and I started to write a comment at the bottom of the post. That 'short' comment started to turn into a ramble. So I thought I would turn that....I guess frustration into a blog post of my own.

Let me start by saying this is very much based on MY experience, everyone is different and will have different thoughts and experiences of this. Additionally so much of this, for me, is about your relationship with those around you. So that will dramatically affect your decisions and experiences.

I have never revealed or discussed my mental health in any of the workplaces I have had. I have discussed it with colleagues AFTER I have left that place of work. Because at that point they are no longer colleagues, they are friends and not really related to my work.
I do feel slightly ashamed of this because part of my current job is encouraging students to come forward and feel they can talk about their own experiences while encouraging discussion of mental health across the institution. I believe I do a really good job of this. However, 'coming out' and using myself as an example could be a very useful thing in terms of empowering and awareness raising. However...

I have never felt comfortable talking about my mental health in the workplace. I think this is for a few different reasons. Firstly the fact that at the beginning I didn't know what was going on so its really hard to talk about something why you don't know its affecting you! Then either through social stigma, or the stigma that I hold within my own head I didn't / don't feel committable to talk about this at work. Towards the start of my mental health adventure I moved workplaces a lot, I had 5 jobs in 12 months. So connecting with people I was working with didn't really happen. Part of that was contractable, but it was also me probably avoiding those connections while I struggled to work out what was happening to me. That being said there are some people I worked with in that time that I am still in contact with as friends and thats been cool. That despite only knowing those people for a short time bonds can still be made. The best example of this is Kelly, who I worked with for a grand total of 2 months. She's moved from Bournemouth to Scotland now, but we regularly talk and I am very open with her about my struggles and experiences (obviously she doesn't get told everything, but then the other person that gets that is probably Sarah). For me this is a great example that those connections can be made even in a short space of time. I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for Kelly and hope to see her again some time soon.

The workplace, of me has always been somewhere you take pride in yourself and your work. You act in a certain way because of your 'role' and the professional setting and expectations. While I have always had my own...approach. I have for most of my working life conformed to the social norms and perceived expectations. Yes, to some extent that has been affected by the positions and institutions I have worked for. But isn't that the same for most people? We all have or see these expectations.
Recently I would say I have started to drift from this slightly. In my last job, I was much more forthright in my views and ideas (see my podcast with Matt and Wes for a bit more on this). Then in my current workplace my appearance has continued to become less...traditional with the long hair and beard. I am yet to try jeans!
Despite this I continue to hold back about my mental health.

When I commented on Kayleigh's blog, I found myself thinking of all these things many of us do because of our mental health. We blog, podcast, talk to people, give advise, support, we listen. To do this we have build websites, set up blog or podcast feeds, we have attended events, some have organised events. Heck some have won awards! This is such a big part of our lives, even if you don't feel like you do many of these things. We have developed so many skills and experiences, that if applied to any other field we would be encouraged to talk about (in detail) because of benefit of these experiences and skills. Not to mention the other personal attributes (confidence, time management, drive, determination etc) that we have demonstrated. By not talking about these things we essentially miss out on something that would really make us stand out compared to other people, particularly in an interview / application scenario. But that stigma, whether held socially or within ourselves holds us back.

While I will likely continue, in the short term at least, to not discuss my mental health in the workplace. I would like to think I would be able to mention it in an interview in the future. Because I believe when Im asked about my personal life, my character, my 'hobbies' much of those questions would be best answered by talking about my experience in the social setting of the mental health discussion. I am not applying to anywhere at the moment so this is an easier statement for me to make I guess.

How about you, would you feel at ease talking about your blog / podcast / website in an interview or at the workplace?


Image from http://www.vminstall.com/vmware-interview-questions-and-answers/

Online Friends to just Friends

It's Friday night, time to live it large!
Well, mmmm. Yes. I suppose errrr...yes....
Well, I'm at home. In sweat-pants. I've eaten pizza, half my pick'n'mix. I'm drinking cola straight from the bottle. Something's going to be large and it's not my night haha. Before you start think rude things I'm talking about my belly!
I am so thankful for my online buddies, that have become simply buddies. I'm talking about Laura, Simba, Liv, Kay, Rich (who my phone always wants to call Rick. Even though I don't know any Ricks!) and a few more. These guys have been amazing support for me lately. Our discussion topics are quite diverse, and I think that says a lot, that we are able to talk openly about things we know, think, have experienced and those we have no idea about.
I don't usually do name drops because, as Rich has mentioned in his #FF blog (http://www.richbiscuit21.wordpress.com/) I feel guilty for not mentioning everyone. Particularly when there's so many people I have spoken to and who have been helpful in many different ways. However right now I don't want that to stop me mentioning these guys specifically. Plus I just need to write something positive right now. I feel on the edge of a negative spell, so I'm focusing on the positive.
These cool dudes have all been on Mike's Open Journal Podcast (on iTunes and acast) too, so you may have even heard the first time we spoke!

I also realised today that this month is the one year anniversary of meeting Sarah online. It has been a manic year, so many discussions; mental health, medication, boobies, penis', weddings, family, relationships, dating, homes, ideologies and after all that she only found out my 'real' name last month haha.
I would also like to say a massive thank you to Sarah for being there to support me though those dark thoughts. For telling me cutting is not what you want to do, "this will pass, keep talking to me". She has shown me when I'm overthinking (not that that stopped me) and when I've maybe not thought of something in a different way.
This beautiful woman is amazing and I am so looking forward to finally meeting Sarah & her sexy husband Oli in around a months time. May our friendship continue and continue. I may even get to meet some of my other buddies as I'll be attending the #MHmeet while I'm in Manchester.
I have realised that I have / am pushing some friends away. It's hard because some times you, I, want or need to be alone. Then when I want to be with people I don't have the motivation to organise something, which previously I would have done. It's hard, I guess over time we change and our relationships change. I feel like I have started to invest much more in online relationships. Possibly for a few reasons.
The obvious of a new friend is always interesting, but also maybe I feel more protection with online friends. There isn't the long history, if I really wanted to I could stop talking to them or even block them (I haven't done this yet though haha). I think I also feel more of a connection with these people because we have a shared experience and that experience is usually an extreme one. You know when you made amazing friends when you were little at summer camp or on a holiday active programme? Or like they pretend to on reality tv? It's because it's an experience, it's extreme and it changes you in ways you don't fully know or understand. It's kind of like that. We all have an experience with the mental health demon. (S)he has affected us in different ways and appears in different forms. But we have all battled this bitch and we continue to win (sticking with the positive vibe).
It is them that I often talk to after I've had a episode or when I'm struggling. I need my fellow warriors.
It's times like this I also feel bad though. I realise for all the talk about mental health stigma. It is me that carries something of a stigmatised view, in that my other friends wouldn't or couldn't understand in the same way. I realised this and I do try to tackle this, it's just hard sometimes to talk about sometime you don't fully understand, and often I feel so much less of a person when talking about it. Now I know I shouldn't and I know most of my friends wouldn't think this. But that doesn't stop that being the way I feel.
I suppose the fact there is a physical distance between me and my new buddies may also help. My 'relationship' issues are kind of avoided by not becoming too close. Although I have already had a conversation with Sarah about pushing her away because we became close friends. I believe my worry is linked to issues around trust and people being there for me. I don't want to lose them, so I push them away before they have a chance to leave. That can be really hard to deal with, and in itself encourages new short term relationships. So I fight to hold on to these guys. They are my support network and I hope I am able to be part of there's. More than that I think of them as my 'real' friends. Not 'online' ones.
So, in short thank you, all of you! Especially Sarah, Laura, Kay, Liv, Simba and Rich. 

Workshops, podcasts and blogging

I guess there is two bits of news I will be focusing on in this writing journey. As this is a bit of a 'what's been going on' post. 

One,

I recently attended a introductory workshop for 'emotional coping skills' which I had very mixed feelings about. Firstly it was an awful start with one guy being told he couldn't come in as he had his child with him. He then kicked off swearing at the trainer /practitioner as we went in. Not the best of starts. I didn't like the room we were in it was cramped and very formal. Not a comfortable environment for the sort of topics we were discussing. Well not for me anyway. I didn't talk in the session, I just didn't feel able to. Like three maybe four times I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I didn't connect with the group or the practitioners. However, I have signed up for the 5 week course. Based on there will be some other people in that group, as it'll be a mix of our group and another. But also I think there could be messages in there that will help me. I am just going to have to accept that the way these messages are delivered are not best suited to me.

Through the workshop I jumped from I already know this, to this is triggering, to I already know that to o, that's an interesting point. 

One of the exercises we did was some mindfulness and I think potentially some form of meditation. Well I can tell you it didn't exactly work for me. 

It started with the practitioner saying "you can do this with loads of different things and for us today we are going to use our hands". Ok, sounds interesting. So we have to study our hands and focus on them. At this point can I say I have already had a couple of moments when I felt on edge and my hands had fidgeted on my lap, the table and my face. 

So (back in the room haha) we are looking at our hands and my mind is not wondering off to the traffic or wind or the room (as we were told it may), no I'm thinking please don't hit me (yourself) my hands themselves in that moment became a trigger. Looking at them, while I was meant to be studying, I was fighting the desire to clench my fist. I could feel the slight wobble, the up and down movement in my hands. I felt a real fight to control my hand in that moment. The activity progressed to us being asked to spread our fingers out wide. As I did this I felt the control start to slip away the outstretched hand had somehow gained something from the stretch. Next was a clenched fist to look at how our skin moves and to view the small changes in the hand. I started to do this then stopped. I placed my hands together and stopped. As everyone else continued I had to try and rebalance myself. I moved my hands around and stopped focusing on them. I'm not sure if anyone noticed, I would think they did but I'm not too worried. I couldn't have carried on with that. As I was about to give joining back in a go the activity stopped. 

Most people fed back about what they had noticed of how it made them feel. I wanted to feed back but I just didn't feel able to.

For me this was not a good session, however I remember my first session of iTalk not being great and I really enjoyed that by the end. So here's hoping. 

Two,

I was offered an amazing opportunity about a month ago to be part of Daily Focal. It is an opportunity I have spoken about twice on the podcast and I think in my blog too... I'm really excited to see what happens and where the project goes. It's great to have been asked, to be part of something from the start. Fingers crossed it all goes well.

The launch day was Wednesday last week and we had almost 1,000 views in the first 24 hours which is awesome! I massive well done to Charile (@pallettBLOGGER) for her idea and leading the team of bloggers. As the days and weeks roll on there will be an increasing amount of content going up to the site, so it is definitely worth a look! Go check out www.dailyfocal.com NOW! It/we will be bringing you loads of news, fashion, mental health, entertainment and other popular bits and bobs. Daily Focal is also on facebook, twitter (@DailyFocal) and I'm sure a couple of other social networks.

Do look out for my posts on Daily Focal - I have written blogs, or maybe they could even be considered articles? On changing your phone the mental health way and 'The Male Pill'. 

Two and a half,

#TalkMH it has been my pleasure to podcast the last three weeks online chats by the #TalkMH tweeters led by their creator Hannah (@hannahrainey_). I have really enjoyed talking about all the messages that are sent by those involved in the chats. However I think I'll be stepping back this coming week, for a couple of reasons.

Firstly I miss out on actually taking part in the chat and interacting with everyone, because when I'm recording its really, near impossible to do anything more than 'like' comments. 

Secondly I have found it hard to get someone else to come on the podcast for those chats, and I'm not too keen on just having me talk and / narrate other people's tweets hahaha. 

Not to mention the fact I'd like to possibly go back to one podcast a week (plus maybe a Mobile Mike) and get a little more blogging / writing going on. I am considering Having a clearer definition on podcast episodes too; such as Discussions with, Mobile Mike, Megacast. Its a thought. 

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That being said thanks for sticking with Mike's Open Journal (aka. Me) and if your new please feel free to go back and read old posts or listen to the podcast. It would be great to hear from you to so please add or message me on social media. All my links are on the contacts page of the website (www.mikesopenjournal.com). 

YNA

Being Naked and Alone

It's Friday night 9.40 to be precise, and I'm laying in bed naked. It's pretty cool.

Since getting in from work I've watched tv as I've moved around the house. Catching TNA Impact while I cooked and ate dinner. Then DCI Banks and Cold Feet while I had a bath - yes that's a two hour bath and I am starting to consider myself a merman. 

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Strangely as winter has started to come around, autumn is seemingly just pre-winter, I have started to take to being naked as much as possible (while at home obviously). I'm still surprised how much more comfortable being naked is compared to wearing clothes. But...it is. 

I am hoping there is maybe something more deep and meaningful about it, like I'm becoming more comfortable with my own body and 'happier' in myself. Well, there's no harm in hoping right?

Yes, there has been a couple of times I've started to have episodes. But fortunately they are not escalating, because I really don't want to be found bruised and naked on the floor when someone comes round haha.

I have in the last few weeks started to be quite reclusive in my own time. I'll come home from work and have food almost straight away, sometimes more to tick it off the list than because I'm hungry. The joy I used to get from food, it hasn't gone as such, but it's definitely notability diminished. I am considering going down in meals, like this week. Two days I had chicken and sweetcorn pasta with chips for dinner. I'm fairly sure that's not a traditional dinner. 

That being said I am eating way more sweets now than I think I ever have. That can't be good. I regularly feel a craving for sugary snacks and even for cola, something I wouldn't say I've ever really craved that much before. I wonder if I feel like I need them to give me a short burst of energy? Maybe they are my version of an energy drink? Who knows, not me that's for sure. 

I'll still surrounding myself with sound, be that music, podcasts, YouTube, radio or catch up tv (though not BBC anymore thanks to the TV licence money crabbing greedy network. I've even stopped go to the BBC website as a protest!). The more I notice it the more I realise it is likely to be to avoid fully relaxing. To ensure my mind is kept active and busy. To not allow it an opportunity to wonder and think those dark thoughts, to try and keep some sort of pace up as I stumble through the day, from task to task from job to job. 

When I rest its not long till the twitching starts. It can be just one or two, sometimes it's more. If I'm lucky that's it. Sometimes it still leads to a whole body spasm. Which has happened already this evening (while I was in the bath, yay, good job the water level wasn't too high). It's just, well, it's kind of heart breaking to be like this. It, it just is so shit... I am neglecting friends, it's hard to keep motivation and I feel like it shouldn't be hard work. Like I want to see people, I just can't. It's frustrating and so hard to explain. 

The last two days I've called friends while I'm on the way home sat in traffic. I guess it's a small thing that I am doing in that direction. I have also spoken a fair amount to guys and girls online about mental health (as a general topic, but also reflected on my own experience) and that has been really helpful. It in part is easier because it's through a phone or computer. I think maybe I feel that I have some sort of extra protection or safety by doing this online. But also as I have said before not having to back track or feel like you've changed. They only know you/me as I am now. There's no comparison in their head. Or more accurately and confusingly in my head of in their head - have you picked up on any of the over thinking yet? 

I don't know where I'm at, I spoke to Sarah today about the my thoughts on my previous relationship and that I don't think I have dealt with the problem I had, I am simply ignoring it. Right now I feel like I need to to get to a saver place. Which hopefully I kind of am, that just means I now need to reflect on some of those issues. Right now I feel like I need to just go to sleep. There's too much thinking and not enough sound (I have turned all sound off to right this in an attempt to concentrate).

Do any of you love being naked?

Have you experiences similar physical episodes? 

It would be great to hear from you. 

Daily Focal Blogging Team

I'm very pleased to inform you I will be joining the Daily Focal Blogging Team. The new site launches 5th October 2016 - so next week! 

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I'm really excited to have the opportunity to blog on a wider platform. Though it is also scary, until now my blogging and podcasting has all been for me. So I have not felt as much pressure. If I don't want to do it I can leave it, or if I wasn't inspired then I kind of waited until I was. This is a change with having a commitment to someone else and to the amount of blogging I will do.

After not being sure about whether this would be a good fit for me. I have to say, the opportunity to work with other people in the blogging world and to get / see ideas, not to mention the added motivation from them will be great. Also if you have read some of my early stuff, you will know when I started blogging I wanted to improve my writing. In fact that was even one of the reasons I started. So to have someone else show you how little changes can make a big difference is great. 

I believe this could be a great way to develop my ability to work closer with other blogs, brands and campaigns. So look forward to reading more from me at Daily Focal - the place you can find news, entertainment, fashion and health views by bloggers. 

And hopefully an improved writing style, haha.

IM MOVING

Thank you to everyone reading my blog. Thanks for sticking with me!

This is a short post to say to things:

1. I now have a website - Yay!

2. Due to the blogger app being removed from the app store I can no longer easily update this blog. So... I will now be posting directly to my self hosted blog, on my website.

3. OK theres three things - but this really to self explanatory after the first two. Go to my website! hehe. Please keep in contact, keep reading... go to the website!
I will possibly still put blog posts here as a back up, but there will be no promotion on this site.


Thank you to everyone who has (and hopefully continues to) read and support Mike's Open Journal.

'Relaxing' Evening

This evening I'm having some me time. 

I'm sat in bed, eating strawberry laces, watching WWE and I have just lit a candle too! I may even get naked soon! 

For me I really need some of this time every now and again. I mean obviously we all do, but as someone suffering with depression it can be really hard. Not least because when I 'relax' I usually experience very negative reactions. My mind can often drift into darkness and my body can start to twich. 

Even now I feel slightly uneasy at this opportunity to 'relax'. 

I have, in I think possible over thinker mode, realised today just how much I'm eating. Particularly in the last two weeks. There are a number of reasons for this I think, it's boredom, stress, also weirdly I think a security thing. I don't understand it enough to explain more than that. I think I probably, well I know I have, started to eat the wrong things at lunch and for snacks. Gone are the apple, banana and orange based lunches. In has come crisps, biscuits and sweets (he says putting another strawberry lace in his mouth). There is a #TalkMH chat this week about eating disorders, which I do not have. However I believe some of the coping strategies may be of use to me. 

This is my second night with a candle in my bed room and I have to say I'm loving it. It's a good level of light and helps to settle me. I'm going to do this more often. 

The noise thing (constantly being surrounded by sound) is something I've been noticing and trying to gradually change. So that's work in progress. 

Anyway, the wrestling is up to title matches so I'm off to enjoy that. 

Talk soon

YNA 

PS. Being naked at home is awesome, I'm going to have to write about post about this!

Morning Run with podcast

Running this morning was great. It's been four or five weeks since I've been out there, and I've missed it!

The last couple of weeks I used having a new tattoo as an excuse; O, I can't wear my running top it will be too tight. Or I shouldn't get direct sunlight on it. 

The weeks before I was in a bit of a rough place and just wasn't getting out of bed on the weekends until the afternoon. 

Last night my new buddy @SimbaTalks mentioned she wasn't thinking about going for a walk, as was I. However I thought actually this could be the weekend I get back out there. So I decided not to walk. Instead I folded my washing and put it away, noting where my running stuff was. I didn't want to leave it out incase I didn't go, I didn't want to make myself feel bad about it. I made sure to charge my phone before bed, the I track my run with my Nike Running app, plus I could get most of my 10k egg done on Pokemon Go. Double win. 

Getting up in the morning wasn't actually too bad. I was up and out in about 15 minutes. It's much easier on the weekend to get up. I think that's because I know I'm only popping out haha. I filled my water bottle, got dressed, grabbed my phone and loose door key.

I have stopped wearing headphones because they stopped working. It's actually been quite fortunate. I have recently realised that I'm constantly surrounding myself with sound. Be that podcast, radio or something on in the background. I think it's to kind of stop myself from thinking. But it's also stopping from relaxing, so starting to have some soundless time is good. 

Leaving home I started my regular route. It is about 10 miles (when I'm up to the whole thing) from my house through a couple of residential areas, a park, a bridge a small bit of Forrest before a walking path along what I think is a harbour. Usually I go for around 8-9 miles. It's an A to B route, which I used to hate. It could be so unmotivating. However having recently watched 'Gattaca', there is a scene in which Ethan Hawk out swims his genetically superior brother in the sea. When asked how he's doing this his response is that he left nothing (energy) for the swim back to shore. It's something that has kind of stuck in my head. It's an interesting way to approach that kind of challenge, and has since made A to B running more interesting. 

From a theoretical standpoint you understand, my performance, I don't think, has actually improved. 

Anyway, I had also given thought to the fact this would be my first run in awhile and I may need a short break in the middle. With that break I would use the opportunity to test out recording on my phone. I could record a audio message to use for my podcast. This will be a great opportunity to see if I could record something short for the podcast, so I didn't always need to be sat at home in a room on my own. Well I truth I knew I could be the recording bit. It was more the getting it to the computer and in the right format to use. But this was a good excuse to try it out. 

At that mid way point I stopped and recorded a 5 minute podcast, took a few photos then made the return journey. I quickly realised I needed to turn Pokemon Go off at this stage, it was rinsing my battery.

As I approached home I realised I would finish on 9.10 miles, so I pushed myself to make it a more round number of 9.50, as I was doing this I thought maybe I could go that bit further, once I'd thought it that was it. It had to be done 10 miles! Yes! Once finished I walked up my road, stretching every couple of steps. I then completed some final stretches outside my house while uploading and syncing my run data. Apparently my Nike Running app has been updated so it looks very different. I need to look into this. 

I felt good and was looking forward to the egg and sausage sandwich I was about to make for breakfast. 

Fighting the episode

It's happening again. I feel like I kind of knew it would. I'm going to start writing to hopefully work through this. 

This weeks been great. Its been really busy at work as I've been leading our college Freshers Fair. I worked late on Monday and was in early on the three days of the fair, as well as working through lunch. As I said, it's been great. But it's been a lot and has been on my mind constantly. I've been so tired in the evening I have really just come home to have dinner and sit down to YouTube or Twitter. 

I felt like this weekend would be difficult because I've not had time to rest or relax. I did have a bath. But only lasted about 45 mins. Those that know me, know when I bath, I bath! Hahaha. Two hours is not a rarity. 

Additionally I have not eaten much in the evenings. Again, this can be telling because my episodes often happen (as the one I'm fighting now has) after I've eaten a good meal. I guess I'm held back sometimes by my body's need for energy to have the episode? I didn't know, would that be a thing?

When relaxing means your more likely to lose control that's not good. For me it also means I sometimes feel like I'm just giving in to the fitting and emotional outburst because I'm tired, I want to be able to relax, I just can't fight it. 

I felt like that a few minutes ago, I was ready to just let it happen. But something in me said you shouldn't do that, do something, get up (then my inner me saw that wasn't happening, so), write. I'm glad I started typing away on my phone. It's gradually stopped the episode. Which is good I guess... I feel...sad I suppose. It's almost like I want the episode, because that's my chance to feel, to experience emotion. 

I guess that's back to the loving the part of me I'm not meant to post I wrote a few weeks ago...

Apart from getting up to make/eat breakfast and reluctantly one trip to the toilet (I even thought about what I could 'go' in to avoid getting out of bed and moving 15 feet to the toilet. I've been in bed for about 15 hours now and if anything I want to sleep and kind of be outside is that possible? 

So confused...and tired. 

YNA

World Suicide Prevention Day

World Suicide Prevention Day

Today talking about suicide is socially acceptable, so let's get in there before it's frowned on again. 

Suicide, the ultimate act of self harm can also been seen as a small part of self harm (in my mind). Thoughts, emotions and actions of self harm can come in many forms and can last for a huge amount of time. Suicide, if attempted (again in my mind), will be a small part of that persons struggles, mentally and physically. 

However, it can also be a thought from nowhere....from many places in your mind. Maybe I'm not good enough, maybe I don't matter, maybe I've failed at being a friend, at being a boyfriend and husband, maybe I've failed at committing to something or someone, maybe it wouldn't matter if I wasn't here, the pain, the confusion, the struggle, that will be over. It will be easier for those around me. It's easier to just accept lose than to have the struggle of dealing with this, with me....That is why I have pushed you away, because I don't want to share this, this is mine, and it's better you don't know. 

Sorry about the rambling... Sorry. 

Don't we say sorry a lot? Sorry for sharing, sorry for not sharing, sorry I'm like this, why do you bother, please don't bother, please don't go. Errrrr, my mind. 

Back to the point. Today.

Today is a chance to talk openly about suicide, something many people have said we should be doing more and thinking more about (in a positive helpful way, not in a diey way) particularly following the 22 push-up challenge promoting discussion of PTSD and suicide prevention. However, I question how many people would really be open to talking about PTSD and suicide. Personally I'm all for fad social media pushes that get donations, such as the ice bucket challenge. But that should be accompanied by promotion of events and / or gatherings where these points are discussed. I have seen many friends and acquaintances posting online their 22 push-ups with copy and pasted text. I wonder if I told you about the times I have tried to suffocate or drown myself, if I told you what my first thought was every time I see a knife, if I told you how many times I'd though about jumping from a bridge (enough to know that I could get over the safety rail), would you really want to engage with me in that conversation? I know I wouldn't feel comfortable having that conversation, would you?

I am sure I know people doing this that want to help and that would be prepared to talk about this but I'm just not sure. Maybe that says more about me than you, I didn't know. 

Today specifically though we are encouraged to talk about suicide, to signpost to amazing organisations and charities that can help. Mind, Rethink Mental Illness, MenTell Health, NHS, iTalk, Samaritans. These are all great places to get help, advise and even just get people to talk to. 

However I kind of feel today is about saying to people "go over there" "talk to them" "I'm sure some people out there struggle" "get help" (some of will know this last one) "go for a walk". 

I think it all helps, but!

We need more people to say "this is my story" "this is what I struggled / am struggling with" "I found help by". Personal stories are so much more powerful, heartfelt, informed and are more well received. From my experience I have taken much more from personal accounts of someone journey or experience than I have from abstract descriptions of illness, symptoms or treatments. 

So today I say, this is my story. I struggle with depression, I have symptoms of anxiety. I think about self harm and have self harmed, I have raged, I have episodes, I take medication and continue to have therapy (even if it's sometimes sporadic). 

I have held a pillow over my face, a knife to my arm and considered jumping. I say this not to shock you but to be honest about the struggle that can come with mental health illnesses. 

If you are affected by anything I have said please do not feel alone. Know there are many of us. Know there is support, you have people around you, you have amazing online communities that will support and help you to get information. There are the organisations and charities I mentioned above. 

Lastly I am not a professional medical person, (I'm not even good at the board game operation!) but you can talk to me. 

Remember suicide prevention isn't just for today...

Mood shift in the club

It's night time, I'm in a club, the music is loud and slightly surprisingly good. I've broken away from my friends because I feel like I need a few moments to myself. It's hard, I've realised how easy it is to slip back into having that front. I've been honest in my review of how the last two days have gone. But I have avoided conversation of anything prior to that. I guess it's kind of understandable. Yet at the same time it's sad. It's sad I'm still not able to talk as openly as I would like with people I consider close friends. 

I know they would not have a negative reaction or think less of me because of the struggles I am going through. I think it is more to do with my inability to talk about something I still don't fully understand. I guess this is something I'm still learning to do. 

Opps. Had to stop there, as they found me. Haha. That set of some heavy twitching in my leg, which was a worry for a bit there. I could feel it starting to take over my mind as well as my body. Fortunately a combination of my friends just talking crap and managing to re-focus meant that the twitching stopped. Plus they have now given me some space which is good. Maybe they understand more than I think? Or maybe they just got bored of me not really communicating. My negative mind is kind of holding on to the negative option of those two. 

In trying to refocus my mind, I am thinking about being pleased with getting the domain sorted for my website. Having started making a hosting change to my blog, so it sits on the website rather than blogger. Having rested for the last day or two. My cool new tattoo! 

Though even that, I haven't shown anyone (other than you guys). I think because part of my reasoning for getting it is to do with my depression and whatever else is going on with me. So I don't want to talk about or explain it to anyone. That makes me sad, but I am happy to have it for myself right now. 

I am also very pleased with the growth of the podcast. I recently saw the change with the increased view / listen numbers which is amazing. There seems to be a few of you that have gone back and are listening to early episodes too, which is really cool too. I've started to have a couple of people that are coming back to the podcast on a regular basis and some who are interested in teaming up on collaboration projects which is also an amazing development. 

Well this has been a positive thing to do. Just standing, now siting and writing has helped to stop the spiral. While allowing me to get the negative stuff out and express it, then move on to the more positive things that are going on. Mmmm, yes it's helped. 

Hope it brings something to someone, if not it helped me. 

Thanks for reading

YNA

My first tattoo!

So today happened, and I got my first tattoo! 

I am still in a bit of shock about the whole thing hahaha. 

For a while now I have wanted to get a tattoo, but I had my doubts. Did I really want it? What would it / I look like? Did I really want to grow old and have a tattoo? Would I hinder my work opportunities? 

In truth I kind of still have these questions. However I now also think: yes I want one, I've wanted one for a while, I know what I want and where I want it, maybe I will not live till I'm old, maybe it'll still look bad ass when I'm old (notice which one came first there!), when you interview you have long sleeves. 

I believe for me getting a tattoo became something I felt I could hang my hat on so so speak. This for me would be a symbol that I have / am changing. My life has changed, I have changed. As some will know, in the last two years I have 'conformed' much less to 'the man'. You just have to see my hair and the ware my flip flops have gotten to see that. 

While this one was a long time in the making it was also showing an sense of spontaneity, in that often I can overthink my way out of going something. This is often really handy as it saves me money, but it can also hold me back. 

Anyway the tattoo!

At the start of the summer I had in my mind this would be a great time to get it done. I had time away from my more formal job and it would allow time to attend a weekday appointment. Well, it's fair to say the summer passed with me walking past one of the three tattoo places near me quite a few times. I would work up excuses to not go in like: weekends will be busy, first thing they could be setting up and not ready to have a chat or do a tattoo, maybe later would be good. Then at the end of the day, ooo I think they are about to close (well in the next 30 minutes) so maybe another time.

Well that went on for a few weeks! Once most of the summer had gone I started to feel a greater sense of urgency. Additionally with the recent mental health struggles it felt like an appropriate time to do this. Otherwise maybe I never would. 

I finally went in and chatted to the place I had walked past so often. Rob was wry pleasant to talk to, he explained the best thing to do was get two or three images that I liked then discuss it with him. Sounded good, though it was a 7 week wait for an appointment. Mmmm I'm not great at waiting. So I checked out some other places online. I came back with four all with fairly equal reviews on tattoo sites and Facebook. Rob's place had the most reviews, Urban (another local place) didn't have many photos but looked good. I found two others I had I rule out, one looked great with awesome photos but no appointments till late October maybe November. The other looked....not as good. Given this is a tattoo I opted nope. So I messaged the Rob & Urban, both replied with similar costing and info. Rob confirmed I could have mid October, Urban had a slot today or in a couple of weeks. So I opted Urban. While Rob did have more reviews, he had a lot more promotion going on and a better location so I guess that's expected. I had looked on Facebook and both were liked by one or two of my friends (so I took that as a recommendation too). 

I was mega excited the day before. I didn't tell anyone I had booked it, until the night before. I told my new friend Laura that night. I was not really nervous at all, though I knew I would be on the day. 

Today I put so much thought into my food and drink hahahaha. I was booked in for 1pm so I had a big lunch early, drunk plenty of squash and made sure my phone was charged. On my way there I started to rain, quite a bit. So far to say I had a bit of drying to do once I got there. 

Once there I confirmed my design and we went over the exact size and placement of the tattoo. Then ten minutes later I was in the chair! 

At this point I was glad I'd done my online reading. I had my water bottle (which I needed!) and my phone. But possibly more importantly I felt comfortable enough to ask for the chair and rest to be moved so I could lay my arm out in a more comfortable way. This made a huge difference, given I had to hold my arm in place for 50 minutes. 

After about 10 minutes I had to ask for a short break, I had become a bit woozy and dizzy. I said I was hot, and my tattooist asked if I'd like the fan on. Man that helped big time! After about three or four minutes I was ready to go again. It hadn't been the pain, that wasn't too bad. It was my body's response that I was struggling with. However now armed with a fan (well not armed, it was on the floor) and having drunk some more water I sat there took a couple of photos, sent snapchats and whatsapp messages. There where a few particularly bits that definitely, definitely hurt more. But I guess that's normal on the inside of your arm. 

At the end there were two bits I asked to be filled in a little more (glutton for punishment) and that was that. I left armed with some coconut lotion I'm meant to put on two or three times a day - and my new tattoo! 

The place I went to was not modern! But that made me feel more relaxed, and that's what I think I needed. The staff there were very friendly and approachable. 

I had thought about getting another tattoo too. This other one has been on my mind since early this year, but I'm not quite sure on the design or placement so I decided against it this time. Plus two on my first go seems a bit excessive. 

I have been asked by Sarah and Laura (still the only two people that know about my tattoo...until now) what did you get and why?

Well, I've told you a little about why 'a' tattoo. But this one specifically, has a very simple start. While in Melbourne a few years ago, I saw a girl on a tram with a triangle tattoo and I just loved it instantly. I can't remember if hers was the same way up as mine or not, but it looked great. I wanted it. I thought about it while in Australia. But 'that me' wouldn't get a tattoo. The same concerns and doubts exist in this me. But something has changed, well a lot has changed including me! I want to say yes to more, do more, experience more. The fact I conform less and am generally less stable probably also plays a part haha. 

It has also crossed my mind that I view this as more acceptable because of that time in Australia where tattoos are more common and accepted. But I believe a lot more of it could very well be that I view it as an acceptable way to self harm. Now this could cause some disagreement, I am not saying tattoos are self harming, I am simply trying to explain and explore my own mind and the way it works. I have not focused on this line of thought as I do not believe it to be beneficial, true or not, I choose to focus on the inspirational decision and action I took to do something I wanted. Something I would previously have been to scared or would have over thought and not done. 

So I am pleased. Even if my arm does still feel sore. 

As always, no proof reading just pure thought straight to the blog. Hope you like it. 

Distracting myself as an episode starts

I can feel that emotion building. It's not a particular emotion, I don't think just a heightened sense. 

My body having felt exhausted has collapsed on the sofa, then started small twitches in my arm. I opened my eyes to awake from the inner me. My body now tenses. First my stomach, which causes me to curl up as my chest tightens. My shoulders and arms are pulled inward. In slight breaks from the tension my body seems to gasp for air, for freedom from this increasingly restrictive position. 

In desperation to do something to slow this process I grasp my phone and start typing this. An opportunity to explain some of what is happening, but also a chance to try and distract myself and focus on something else. 

Slowly the intensity of the cramping lessens. I am no longer curling up. I still feel a tightness, but it is no longer restricting my body. My feet have become very fidgety, with my hands now occupied in typing. 

My mind feels more my own again. I can now extend my legs.

Fortunately this has worked really well this time in preventing that spiral becoming worse and eventually uncontrollable. 

Thank you phone, my modern paper and pencil. I still massively prefer writing to typing. But I really find typing stuff up boring and uninspiring. So....

This helped me. 

Hopefully it's helped someone else in some way, maybe. 

YNA

I have a Care Worker

Today I had my first meeting with Malcolm, I forget his exact title but I think he is my Care Worker.  I found it beneficial to go in the the MH unit and meet him. Today was just a chance to introduce ourselves to each other and go through what the next process involves.
I was a bit worried about the meeting because I was not really sure what to expect and while I knew roughly what was happening, I have been to the MH unit before and they have said 'this will happen' then nothing. So it was good to see / hear that something is happening this time.

I attended this meeting with my mum as she attended the last session where I raised concern over how things have gone. Then, I felt like she needed to hear some stuff to understand little more, plus I would have really struggled to keep her out of the consultation and I just had no effort to fight or express anything other than ok. But this time I felt different, it was ok in that this was an introduction to Malcolm and its probably good that someone else has met him. This time I felt more guarded because she was there though I did not open up as much and while this meeting didn't require that much as it was an introduction, I believe this would have greatly hindered anything I would have gone from a session.

My overactive mind can not decide if this is because we all need some privacy and that naturally I don't feel committable talking about some of this in front of a parent, or is it me just pushing someone else that is trying to help away?
As we walked into the MH unit I could already feel myself getting annoyed at the rambling, I know this is hard for anyone that Im with, they don't understand and to some extent I don't want them to understand. Either, its personal, I just don't want to share, or I want to deal with it on my own, or Im just becoming more annoyed by some people. I almost feel at this stage like Id rather try on my own and fail (whatever that entails), than accept the help of those around me and succeed.
I guess its also that I don't what to be reliant on people, well anyone really....
When I say things like that I think yes I have probably felt like this for a long time, but defiantly more so in the last two years. I kind of feel like thats sad, but is it? I mean its ok to be single, and to be independent. Its ok to have your own thing going on, and we all struggle with life in our own ways.

So yer, there is some over thinking for you.

Anyway, I found today useful. Just to know there is progress. I have another appointment, tomorrow with a Doctor to review my medication. After that all my information will be put to a panel, who it is expected will confirm that I need a psychological evaluation. Great news in terms of hopefully finding out a little more and hopefully being offered one to one therapy or counselling soon. However, I have already been warned that this will clash with my current working hours. As such I am very likely to have to reveal my mental illness to my workplace, which is something I do not want to do. I am trying not to think about that at this stage and I'll just worry about it nearer the time (I will worry!).

Upon leaving the MH unit I felt like it had been a beneficial visit and while I was not a lot further forward, I had met Malcolm, now have a better idea of whats happening and the timeline. Plus I was not as bad at the MH unit today as I was last week when I was there. Annoyingly though my mum wasn't happy, or rather was dishearten that we had not "achieved" anything from the visit. I think this maybe highlights the frustration I have. Because it is so hard to explain some things and I seem to be better at talking it through with myself on a blog or podcast. Possibly because I feel like I am talking to myself or to others that better understand. When family members keep saying "better" it annoys me so much. They seem to have this idea that things are going to improve in like a few weeks or a month. Its just not going to happen like that. They are also critical of the medication I take, which I think has helped. Again not sure if this is me pushing them away or just getting increasingly frustrated with their input. I know they want to help, but I feel like they contribute to making me worse. To be clear I do not blame them, I am talking about the way that I react to them. Its hard to explain, but some of you will know what I mean... hopefully.

I am not sure what the purpose of this post was I just had to sit down and get some of this annoyance out of my system. Sorry keyboard.

YNA