Distracting myself as an episode starts

I can feel that emotion building. It's not a particular emotion, I don't think just a heightened sense. 

My body having felt exhausted has collapsed on the sofa, then started small twitches in my arm. I opened my eyes to awake from the inner me. My body now tenses. First my stomach, which causes me to curl up as my chest tightens. My shoulders and arms are pulled inward. In slight breaks from the tension my body seems to gasp for air, for freedom from this increasingly restrictive position. 

In desperation to do something to slow this process I grasp my phone and start typing this. An opportunity to explain some of what is happening, but also a chance to try and distract myself and focus on something else. 

Slowly the intensity of the cramping lessens. I am no longer curling up. I still feel a tightness, but it is no longer restricting my body. My feet have become very fidgety, with my hands now occupied in typing. 

My mind feels more my own again. I can now extend my legs.

Fortunately this has worked really well this time in preventing that spiral becoming worse and eventually uncontrollable. 

Thank you phone, my modern paper and pencil. I still massively prefer writing to typing. But I really find typing stuff up boring and uninspiring. So....

This helped me. 

Hopefully it's helped someone else in some way, maybe. 

YNA

I have a Care Worker

Today I had my first meeting with Malcolm, I forget his exact title but I think he is my Care Worker.  I found it beneficial to go in the the MH unit and meet him. Today was just a chance to introduce ourselves to each other and go through what the next process involves.
I was a bit worried about the meeting because I was not really sure what to expect and while I knew roughly what was happening, I have been to the MH unit before and they have said 'this will happen' then nothing. So it was good to see / hear that something is happening this time.

I attended this meeting with my mum as she attended the last session where I raised concern over how things have gone. Then, I felt like she needed to hear some stuff to understand little more, plus I would have really struggled to keep her out of the consultation and I just had no effort to fight or express anything other than ok. But this time I felt different, it was ok in that this was an introduction to Malcolm and its probably good that someone else has met him. This time I felt more guarded because she was there though I did not open up as much and while this meeting didn't require that much as it was an introduction, I believe this would have greatly hindered anything I would have gone from a session.

My overactive mind can not decide if this is because we all need some privacy and that naturally I don't feel committable talking about some of this in front of a parent, or is it me just pushing someone else that is trying to help away?
As we walked into the MH unit I could already feel myself getting annoyed at the rambling, I know this is hard for anyone that Im with, they don't understand and to some extent I don't want them to understand. Either, its personal, I just don't want to share, or I want to deal with it on my own, or Im just becoming more annoyed by some people. I almost feel at this stage like Id rather try on my own and fail (whatever that entails), than accept the help of those around me and succeed.
I guess its also that I don't what to be reliant on people, well anyone really....
When I say things like that I think yes I have probably felt like this for a long time, but defiantly more so in the last two years. I kind of feel like thats sad, but is it? I mean its ok to be single, and to be independent. Its ok to have your own thing going on, and we all struggle with life in our own ways.

So yer, there is some over thinking for you.

Anyway, I found today useful. Just to know there is progress. I have another appointment, tomorrow with a Doctor to review my medication. After that all my information will be put to a panel, who it is expected will confirm that I need a psychological evaluation. Great news in terms of hopefully finding out a little more and hopefully being offered one to one therapy or counselling soon. However, I have already been warned that this will clash with my current working hours. As such I am very likely to have to reveal my mental illness to my workplace, which is something I do not want to do. I am trying not to think about that at this stage and I'll just worry about it nearer the time (I will worry!).

Upon leaving the MH unit I felt like it had been a beneficial visit and while I was not a lot further forward, I had met Malcolm, now have a better idea of whats happening and the timeline. Plus I was not as bad at the MH unit today as I was last week when I was there. Annoyingly though my mum wasn't happy, or rather was dishearten that we had not "achieved" anything from the visit. I think this maybe highlights the frustration I have. Because it is so hard to explain some things and I seem to be better at talking it through with myself on a blog or podcast. Possibly because I feel like I am talking to myself or to others that better understand. When family members keep saying "better" it annoys me so much. They seem to have this idea that things are going to improve in like a few weeks or a month. Its just not going to happen like that. They are also critical of the medication I take, which I think has helped. Again not sure if this is me pushing them away or just getting increasingly frustrated with their input. I know they want to help, but I feel like they contribute to making me worse. To be clear I do not blame them, I am talking about the way that I react to them. Its hard to explain, but some of you will know what I mean... hopefully.

I am not sure what the purpose of this post was I just had to sit down and get some of this annoyance out of my system. Sorry keyboard.

YNA

My unfocused post - Relationships

Hi everyone, so a while back I was lucky enough to have the amazing Kay on my podcast (Mike's Open Journal) and Kay mentioned writing a blog post for her site. I was delighted to be asked and fully intended to write, well it's mainly typing these days, a post. However I was very fortunate in that I became really busy with the podcast and then quite unfortunate in that I started to have repeated episodes. So this one has been a while in the making. 

<Side note, I got distracted and ended up chatting about something different to what I'd planned to write. So I'll have this post and Kay will have to wait for another hahaha>

Truth is I have really been struggling lately with my relationship. I have been seeing someone for about 4 months and it has seemingly raised a lot of unresolved relationship issues within me. At this time too my family has become more aware of the problems I have / am facing, and that's caused more upset for me too. 

I have / am finding this really hard because I am so conflicted on so many things. I thought telling you would help, but I'm like, where do I start - what do I say?

Ok, so here goes. As always names are changed.

I met Tina at speed dating, we seemed to hit it off straight away. She was very attractive and seemed super confident and talkative. We went out a few times after speed dating, where we did different things that gave us the chance to talk and find out more about each other. After a while I told Tina about my previous relationship and the fact I am currently affected by a mental health issue. She was amazing with both of these things and our relationship grew stronger. 

We spent a little more time together, met each other's friends and Tina met my family. Everything seemed to be going well.

In this time I had had a couple of episodes where I became very emotional and would lash out at myself. It made me even more upset to be like this in front of Tina, it was embarrassing, humiliating and scary. Plus I didn't want her to worry about me. 

Still, we got on and I felt like it was under control (it wasn't, but I was trying to ignore it, or make myself not give it recognition). 

More recently we begin talking about the future in a more serious way, as I felt my thoughts and behaviours had led to a possible change in what I thought / wanted / believed I could have with regards to family in the future. This caused some confusion in my mindset for me and an annoyance at having to keep saying I don't know or I'm not sure. 

What came next was a run of days where I would have episodes that could last from 10 minutes to almost 3 hours. 

I began to shut down, thinking the relationship was too much for me. I really liked Tina, but I apparently couldn't process a relationship, having someone again, trusting them, loving them, having them love and care for me. 

I found my mind and heart where fighting against each other and themselves.

I think I felt, what I needed to do, is not what I wanted to do. 

When I saw Tina I was not able to do what was needed. I kept getting caught up in her. In touching her, holding her, wanting to kiss her. I had to try so hard to not do these things because I felt that was messed up and would cause her more pain and confusion. 

The fact that Tina liked me in the beginning is still so cool. I don't think I really thought I would meet someone like her, and that she would like me. 

The truth is I was / am struggling with a lot, and that is....exhausting and overwhelming. My struggle is physically and mentally draining. Then when I saw Tina it felt like a positive cloud was around. 

However, there are things about being in a relationship that I continue to struggle with. These things: trust, learning to rely on someone, caring and being cared for, sharing not just thoughts and emotions but your whole self with someone else. These are things I think I am still struggling with. To the extent that my body would lose control; twitch, spasm and more. 

Talking about ending the relationship was so hard because I felt like Tina got me, like she understood. My heart races when I think of what I've said, and the thought of upsetting Tina and hurting her kills me. But I thought maybe not being together would be best for both of us. 

I know I have felt things with Tina I didn't think I would feel again, I found someone that valued, respected, liked and enjoyed being with me. And I know what it feels like when that goes. Maybe I am just trying to protect myself from that again? I don't know. 

But one of the things that I have / am struggling with is being in a relationship. 

I truly hope Tina finds happiness and love. Things that I feel I am just not capable at this point in time. 

This wasn't what I'd planned to about, but I guess that's what's on my mind. 

Thanks for reading

YNA

My Episodes - a Mental Health Story

I can feel myself zoning out, my consciousness changing. My eyes become fixed on one point. It's a struggle to move my focus, but I am also trying to focus to focus my thinking. That makes me chuckle, in so many ways it seems like a metaphor for what I feel is going on. A struggle within a struggle. 

Once my eyes are fixed I find my body starts to become less mine, and more one I exist within. I am now a smaller me within this body. I'm shouting, "move, think of something else, move move!" But nothing happens. The spiral continues, sometimes slowly sometimes quickly. By this stage I can't move myself away without some sort of intervention or support from someone else. 

Emotion runs through me, seemingly seeping out my eyes, nose and mouth. To everyone else it appears as snot and tears. To me it is evidence. Evidence that once again I have been unable to control myself, my emotions, my feelings, my body, everything that is me, is no longer in my control. 

The sad part is this is not the worst part. 

The tears, sadnesses and sorrow turn to self hate, anger, disappointment and rage. In this moment, having thought I'd lost control, I somehow lose more. My hand progress from twitching (which by the way started, but I had not noticed) and is now about to swing. My body curls into a ball, rocking back and forth. The escalation is coming, my breathing is deeper and quicker. I know it's coming and I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm disappointed and I'm angry. 

If I'm lucky, I'm at home and able to at least direct my outlash at the floor, however too often this leads to hitting my head or legs. This outburst can last for different lengths of time, but I think often less that a couple of minutes. However the cycle can loop around a couple of times (o yay!). 

Once this passes, I am exhausted and humiliated. I lay on my side wondering how I became like this. Hoping only that there isn't another cycle coming. Quite soon the smaller me inside is ready to get up and on with things, however I can not move. The smaller me says "come on, I can do this. Just move, open your eyes, get up, let's go. Get up!" But alas I'm still on the floor, eyes closed, probably crying at the state I'm in. Exhausted. 

After a while I am able to move, often my thoughts are simply to move of the floor (hahaha) to somewhere more suitable. To get a drink (my mouth is very dry at this point), and try to detract from the seriousness of what just happened. It's sad, scary and disappointing. Not to mention the humiliation I feel. 

It's actually been really easy to write this, because I have just come round from one such episode. The hard part will be posting. So in true form, I'm going to do it straight away and try not to think about it until after. 

This will of course help me to some extent, but hopefully it may help someone else who maybe struggling with their own journey. 

Thanks for reading

YNA

I think I love messed up me...

I think I love messed up me...

But not in the way your told too. I'm not  thinking about all the positive things, the things I done, the places I've seen or the people I've met. 

I'm talking about the extremes, the highs the lows, the dirty horrid lows. The thoughts of self loathing, of personal destruction. The moments that I FEEL! 

Because in these moments I do feel. I have managed to cut out so much of the 'happy me' that those positive thoughts no longer last or establish themselves in my mind. 

The idea that I could be happy full stop, is alien to me. I hope only for moments of happiness, as a solace from the constant trial that is life. 

I believe that I have made progress, and that shows where I've come from. But if this is it, shouldn't I be happy with this? So many people say you should or shouldn't do something... Does that make it right? 

I know I shouldn't love the extremes, I shouldn't long for their embrace. I shouldn't only feel when they come to destroy me. But in that moment...sadly that is happiest and my saddest. 

This is my messed up mind.