Progress, the day after

As some of you may know last night was a difficult one for me. Even today has been a challenge, however since around 3PM I've achieved a lot of small tasks. These may be things that some people wouldn't consider a big deal, but in my current state of mind these tasks mean a lot. 

Things like finally finishing taking down the bookcase I said I was going to do four months ago. Moving an unused drawer unit from the top of the stairs. Taking down a clock that hasn't worked for two years. Washing up, clearing the stairs, tiding the floor space in two rooms and the hall way. I have even taken photos of some things I want to sell. 

Like I said some of these may seem like very small things but I feel my mood has lifted. There is still plenty more that needs to be done and that imaginary list hasn't really got any shorter. But right now I'm feeling quite good about the progress I'm making. 

It all helps right?! 

It's definitely not clean right now but it's getting tidier and that's a start. Cleaning comes next. Well...maybe. Like I said there's a few more things to do that may cause a mess. 

Thanks for reading. 

Bad times, sad times

It's been a hard day. I haven't really got up, I have not got dressed, washed or gone out side. My productive plans left the house, unlike me. 

Some people can enjoy a day of rest and relaxation. Heck, sometimes even I can. 

But I've felt a little off all day. I have been drowzee and lacked energy or motivation. 

Now it's late and I feel...I know I should be sleeping. But it's not happening. As I lay in bed with a podcast on in the background, I found myself placing a pillow over my face. Pushing down on the pillow to see what it feels like. Being disappointed when it's not hard to breathe. So I push harder. I feel a twich in my leg (nothing special about that these days) and I begin to find my breathing harder. I'm not getting as much oxygen as I was a moment ago. In my twisted mind, I knew this is want I wanted. Not to just see what it was like, but to do it. I had just used that as an excuse to myself, to talk myself into doing this. 

I started to taste the fabric of the pillow in my mouth, as if I was breathing more of the pillow than air now. My attempted breathing began to quicken. My mind racing, wanting to stop and to continue at the same time. My body somehow felt separate from my head, there was so much happening there.

Eventually I threw the pillow from my face, as  my body struggled to again have access to air and oxygen. 

My throat feels sore, I feel silly, but the worst thought is I will likely do this again. I can already feel the desire building up. These are the twisted thoughts that have taken hold of my mind before and continue to harvest my sole. 

Podcast Update

Hello again.

I've had a few podcast episodes now and I have to say I've enjoyed every one of them. It's been an interesting progression from blogging. Having the opportunity and the challenge in many ways to say thoughts and feelings out loud, can and has been very challenging at times. Saying things out loud somehow makes them seem more real and more I guess just more. In my mind it seems to somehow give them a form or shape and... It's hard to explain. I guess when you are writing or typing the expression, feeling or thought is leaving your body and is visible on the paper or on the screen. Then when you're talking and the emotion is kind of leaving your mind through your mouth. For me there sometimes is that expression or imagery in front of your face. Like I said it's hard to describe. 

However with that challenge has come a real sense of pride in being able to speak the words. I believe for me the increased communication and conversation around mental health has also been extremely encouraging. I really feel that I have taken a lot from being able to talk to other people about mental health in a general sense, but also talking specifically about my own experience and struggles. 

I think it helps because it's a way of acknowledging what I am going through. But also recognising that there are many other people in similar situations with their own struggles and challenges, and that together there is a huge opportunity to share information about material, resources and campaigns that can help. As well as just being able to talk to somebody else who has an idea about some of the struggles you can come across and equally you're able to listen and discuss some of the challenges that they face as well. 

I would say more recently my negative thoughts have been less intense and to some extent less frequent. However there are still many challenges ahead and many struggles each day. I am hugely grateful that so many people have reacted positively to both this blog and to the podcast. I hope to continue to talk and listen to many more of you that are reading this and or listening to the podcast. 

Remember you are not alone out there;

Of course its in my head. Thats where my brain is!

This post is really about just feeling low I guess and not that great. I was meant to go to a friends birthday barbecue this evening, but even after a good morning where I've been outside, had a walk and achieved some of the days tasks. I still have ended up feeling like this.
I became emotional, teary, my hands started to shake and I even started to hit myself again. This time I wasn't really with any real force, which I guess should be some comfort. However it is still the case of an uncontrollable action which can be really scary, demoralising and humiliating.
Is this the horrible reality of what I have to look forward to when I have time alone, when I have time to think, or to reflect. Have I truly become unbalance? It is a scary thought.

Then again, is this realisation proof that there is a level of understanding, of an ability to deal with it all, to cope with what is going on. I suppose I still have hope.

Pokemon GO

Pokemon Go went live in the UK this morning, however some people (wink, nudge) have been playing this game for a week already. So, heres my take.

1. I was not fully on board with pokemon on its original release. That being said I did like it, while I did not play the card games or collection the stickers / cards, I did have a pokemon game for the game boy and later for the N64. These where cool games but I wasn't addicted to them. Though Im pretty sure I was mega excited to trade with some to get a Mew.

2. I loved / love geocaching, but its very much a do it three times in a week then not for two or three months. It gets more involved once you have done all the points near to you. Pokemon does encourage you to go out and about to find different pokemon, but you can still collect and develop without going very far. So for me this may have more playability and appeal than geocaching.

3. Mental and physical health. From a personal point of view mine has definitely improve over the last week or so (if your from the App Store, I mean the last couple of hours). There is a reason to get up and go out, and I have something to show for going out.
As you may know I am currently involved in CBT (therapy) and I have goals to work on over a two week period. For about 8 weeks Ive been trying to get outside for 30 - 60 minute walks once a week. But I just have not been able to do it. I didn't have to motivation, the enthusiasm or, well....any willingness to get up and go outside. However that has now changed, Ive been out for three walks in the last 8 days. While I am sure this will drop off at some stage, I am enjoying the effect that the game is having on me right now.

For me then this game has come at a time when I can really benefit from it and get outside.

I am not even going to get stuck on the fact I nearly walked into 4 bits of dog poo and a broken bottle on my first walk. There is a warning at the start of the game (and you'll see that a lot as you keep having to log in when the game crashes every 15-20 minutes).

Furthermore Ive enjoyed it so much, I'll be holding a podcast recording session next friday with a few friends to discuss the game and have a discussion about progress, thoughts and affects of the game. If you would like to take part let me know (@Mike_Douglas_ or @Open_Journal_).

For now, thanks for reading and remember your not alone out there.

Health & Wellbeing - At Work

Yesterday was my last day with my main job before the summer. As I am term time only, during the summer I will have a different job and then return to my main job in September.
As it was a training day across my employers organisation there was an opportunity to book in a health and well-being check with visiting practitioner. I thought this would be a good opportunity to have a brief checkup and not have to worry about travel and it being in work time.

As this was my last day in the office I was quite busy, but fortunately managed to get the last slot of the day at 4pm. On my way to the room when consultations are happening I checked a couple of display boards and went to the toilet. Of course that ment the first thing I was asked was for a urine sample having just been. After five minutes of squeezing and pushing I managed a few drops, luckily that's all that was needed. I was then asked how my health was, tricky question. I'm at work, so I don't talk about my 'health' here..... I replied with "do you mean physical health? Yes that's good" smart right? No lies. The nurse then asked about mental health. Damm she worked that out fast. I decided that while I was a work, this is a medical check up with a nurse, there is no point having it and being dishonest. Plus, I don't want to lie about my health / depression. Not mentioning it is one thing, but lying? Nope. We discussed my depression briefly and my medication. I was a little uneasy but it was strangly nice to talk about.

Next up was my BMI, I found out that I sit right on the boarder of "ideal and overweight" that didn't feel great. But, I did remember that I'd eaten quite a lot the day before. So maybe I'm top end of ideal rather than overweight? Maybe.

Next my blood pressure. Well, the nurse seemed a little worried. Which needless to say worried me a bit. Apparently (after having three attempts and getting the same reading each time) I have a notability high blood pressure and I should be seeking advice from my GP. So yay!

All in all an eventful 15 minutes.