'Relaxing' Evening

This evening I'm having some me time. 

I'm sat in bed, eating strawberry laces, watching WWE and I have just lit a candle too! I may even get naked soon! 

For me I really need some of this time every now and again. I mean obviously we all do, but as someone suffering with depression it can be really hard. Not least because when I 'relax' I usually experience very negative reactions. My mind can often drift into darkness and my body can start to twich. 

Even now I feel slightly uneasy at this opportunity to 'relax'. 

I have, in I think possible over thinker mode, realised today just how much I'm eating. Particularly in the last two weeks. There are a number of reasons for this I think, it's boredom, stress, also weirdly I think a security thing. I don't understand it enough to explain more than that. I think I probably, well I know I have, started to eat the wrong things at lunch and for snacks. Gone are the apple, banana and orange based lunches. In has come crisps, biscuits and sweets (he says putting another strawberry lace in his mouth). There is a #TalkMH chat this week about eating disorders, which I do not have. However I believe some of the coping strategies may be of use to me. 

This is my second night with a candle in my bed room and I have to say I'm loving it. It's a good level of light and helps to settle me. I'm going to do this more often. 

The noise thing (constantly being surrounded by sound) is something I've been noticing and trying to gradually change. So that's work in progress. 

Anyway, the wrestling is up to title matches so I'm off to enjoy that. 

Talk soon

YNA 

PS. Being naked at home is awesome, I'm going to have to write about post about this!

Morning Run with podcast

Running this morning was great. It's been four or five weeks since I've been out there, and I've missed it!

The last couple of weeks I used having a new tattoo as an excuse; O, I can't wear my running top it will be too tight. Or I shouldn't get direct sunlight on it. 

The weeks before I was in a bit of a rough place and just wasn't getting out of bed on the weekends until the afternoon. 

Last night my new buddy @SimbaTalks mentioned she wasn't thinking about going for a walk, as was I. However I thought actually this could be the weekend I get back out there. So I decided not to walk. Instead I folded my washing and put it away, noting where my running stuff was. I didn't want to leave it out incase I didn't go, I didn't want to make myself feel bad about it. I made sure to charge my phone before bed, the I track my run with my Nike Running app, plus I could get most of my 10k egg done on Pokemon Go. Double win. 

Getting up in the morning wasn't actually too bad. I was up and out in about 15 minutes. It's much easier on the weekend to get up. I think that's because I know I'm only popping out haha. I filled my water bottle, got dressed, grabbed my phone and loose door key.

I have stopped wearing headphones because they stopped working. It's actually been quite fortunate. I have recently realised that I'm constantly surrounding myself with sound. Be that podcast, radio or something on in the background. I think it's to kind of stop myself from thinking. But it's also stopping from relaxing, so starting to have some soundless time is good. 

Leaving home I started my regular route. It is about 10 miles (when I'm up to the whole thing) from my house through a couple of residential areas, a park, a bridge a small bit of Forrest before a walking path along what I think is a harbour. Usually I go for around 8-9 miles. It's an A to B route, which I used to hate. It could be so unmotivating. However having recently watched 'Gattaca', there is a scene in which Ethan Hawk out swims his genetically superior brother in the sea. When asked how he's doing this his response is that he left nothing (energy) for the swim back to shore. It's something that has kind of stuck in my head. It's an interesting way to approach that kind of challenge, and has since made A to B running more interesting. 

From a theoretical standpoint you understand, my performance, I don't think, has actually improved. 

Anyway, I had also given thought to the fact this would be my first run in awhile and I may need a short break in the middle. With that break I would use the opportunity to test out recording on my phone. I could record a audio message to use for my podcast. This will be a great opportunity to see if I could record something short for the podcast, so I didn't always need to be sat at home in a room on my own. Well I truth I knew I could be the recording bit. It was more the getting it to the computer and in the right format to use. But this was a good excuse to try it out. 

At that mid way point I stopped and recorded a 5 minute podcast, took a few photos then made the return journey. I quickly realised I needed to turn Pokemon Go off at this stage, it was rinsing my battery.

As I approached home I realised I would finish on 9.10 miles, so I pushed myself to make it a more round number of 9.50, as I was doing this I thought maybe I could go that bit further, once I'd thought it that was it. It had to be done 10 miles! Yes! Once finished I walked up my road, stretching every couple of steps. I then completed some final stretches outside my house while uploading and syncing my run data. Apparently my Nike Running app has been updated so it looks very different. I need to look into this. 

I felt good and was looking forward to the egg and sausage sandwich I was about to make for breakfast. 

Fighting the episode

It's happening again. I feel like I kind of knew it would. I'm going to start writing to hopefully work through this. 

This weeks been great. Its been really busy at work as I've been leading our college Freshers Fair. I worked late on Monday and was in early on the three days of the fair, as well as working through lunch. As I said, it's been great. But it's been a lot and has been on my mind constantly. I've been so tired in the evening I have really just come home to have dinner and sit down to YouTube or Twitter. 

I felt like this weekend would be difficult because I've not had time to rest or relax. I did have a bath. But only lasted about 45 mins. Those that know me, know when I bath, I bath! Hahaha. Two hours is not a rarity. 

Additionally I have not eaten much in the evenings. Again, this can be telling because my episodes often happen (as the one I'm fighting now has) after I've eaten a good meal. I guess I'm held back sometimes by my body's need for energy to have the episode? I didn't know, would that be a thing?

When relaxing means your more likely to lose control that's not good. For me it also means I sometimes feel like I'm just giving in to the fitting and emotional outburst because I'm tired, I want to be able to relax, I just can't fight it. 

I felt like that a few minutes ago, I was ready to just let it happen. But something in me said you shouldn't do that, do something, get up (then my inner me saw that wasn't happening, so), write. I'm glad I started typing away on my phone. It's gradually stopped the episode. Which is good I guess... I feel...sad I suppose. It's almost like I want the episode, because that's my chance to feel, to experience emotion. 

I guess that's back to the loving the part of me I'm not meant to post I wrote a few weeks ago...

Apart from getting up to make/eat breakfast and reluctantly one trip to the toilet (I even thought about what I could 'go' in to avoid getting out of bed and moving 15 feet to the toilet. I've been in bed for about 15 hours now and if anything I want to sleep and kind of be outside is that possible? 

So confused...and tired. 

YNA

World Suicide Prevention Day

World Suicide Prevention Day

Today talking about suicide is socially acceptable, so let's get in there before it's frowned on again. 

Suicide, the ultimate act of self harm can also been seen as a small part of self harm (in my mind). Thoughts, emotions and actions of self harm can come in many forms and can last for a huge amount of time. Suicide, if attempted (again in my mind), will be a small part of that persons struggles, mentally and physically. 

However, it can also be a thought from nowhere....from many places in your mind. Maybe I'm not good enough, maybe I don't matter, maybe I've failed at being a friend, at being a boyfriend and husband, maybe I've failed at committing to something or someone, maybe it wouldn't matter if I wasn't here, the pain, the confusion, the struggle, that will be over. It will be easier for those around me. It's easier to just accept lose than to have the struggle of dealing with this, with me....That is why I have pushed you away, because I don't want to share this, this is mine, and it's better you don't know. 

Sorry about the rambling... Sorry. 

Don't we say sorry a lot? Sorry for sharing, sorry for not sharing, sorry I'm like this, why do you bother, please don't bother, please don't go. Errrrr, my mind. 

Back to the point. Today.

Today is a chance to talk openly about suicide, something many people have said we should be doing more and thinking more about (in a positive helpful way, not in a diey way) particularly following the 22 push-up challenge promoting discussion of PTSD and suicide prevention. However, I question how many people would really be open to talking about PTSD and suicide. Personally I'm all for fad social media pushes that get donations, such as the ice bucket challenge. But that should be accompanied by promotion of events and / or gatherings where these points are discussed. I have seen many friends and acquaintances posting online their 22 push-ups with copy and pasted text. I wonder if I told you about the times I have tried to suffocate or drown myself, if I told you what my first thought was every time I see a knife, if I told you how many times I'd though about jumping from a bridge (enough to know that I could get over the safety rail), would you really want to engage with me in that conversation? I know I wouldn't feel comfortable having that conversation, would you?

I am sure I know people doing this that want to help and that would be prepared to talk about this but I'm just not sure. Maybe that says more about me than you, I didn't know. 

Today specifically though we are encouraged to talk about suicide, to signpost to amazing organisations and charities that can help. Mind, Rethink Mental Illness, MenTell Health, NHS, iTalk, Samaritans. These are all great places to get help, advise and even just get people to talk to. 

However I kind of feel today is about saying to people "go over there" "talk to them" "I'm sure some people out there struggle" "get help" (some of will know this last one) "go for a walk". 

I think it all helps, but!

We need more people to say "this is my story" "this is what I struggled / am struggling with" "I found help by". Personal stories are so much more powerful, heartfelt, informed and are more well received. From my experience I have taken much more from personal accounts of someone journey or experience than I have from abstract descriptions of illness, symptoms or treatments. 

So today I say, this is my story. I struggle with depression, I have symptoms of anxiety. I think about self harm and have self harmed, I have raged, I have episodes, I take medication and continue to have therapy (even if it's sometimes sporadic). 

I have held a pillow over my face, a knife to my arm and considered jumping. I say this not to shock you but to be honest about the struggle that can come with mental health illnesses. 

If you are affected by anything I have said please do not feel alone. Know there are many of us. Know there is support, you have people around you, you have amazing online communities that will support and help you to get information. There are the organisations and charities I mentioned above. 

Lastly I am not a professional medical person, (I'm not even good at the board game operation!) but you can talk to me. 

Remember suicide prevention isn't just for today...

Mood shift in the club

It's night time, I'm in a club, the music is loud and slightly surprisingly good. I've broken away from my friends because I feel like I need a few moments to myself. It's hard, I've realised how easy it is to slip back into having that front. I've been honest in my review of how the last two days have gone. But I have avoided conversation of anything prior to that. I guess it's kind of understandable. Yet at the same time it's sad. It's sad I'm still not able to talk as openly as I would like with people I consider close friends. 

I know they would not have a negative reaction or think less of me because of the struggles I am going through. I think it is more to do with my inability to talk about something I still don't fully understand. I guess this is something I'm still learning to do. 

Opps. Had to stop there, as they found me. Haha. That set of some heavy twitching in my leg, which was a worry for a bit there. I could feel it starting to take over my mind as well as my body. Fortunately a combination of my friends just talking crap and managing to re-focus meant that the twitching stopped. Plus they have now given me some space which is good. Maybe they understand more than I think? Or maybe they just got bored of me not really communicating. My negative mind is kind of holding on to the negative option of those two. 

In trying to refocus my mind, I am thinking about being pleased with getting the domain sorted for my website. Having started making a hosting change to my blog, so it sits on the website rather than blogger. Having rested for the last day or two. My cool new tattoo! 

Though even that, I haven't shown anyone (other than you guys). I think because part of my reasoning for getting it is to do with my depression and whatever else is going on with me. So I don't want to talk about or explain it to anyone. That makes me sad, but I am happy to have it for myself right now. 

I am also very pleased with the growth of the podcast. I recently saw the change with the increased view / listen numbers which is amazing. There seems to be a few of you that have gone back and are listening to early episodes too, which is really cool too. I've started to have a couple of people that are coming back to the podcast on a regular basis and some who are interested in teaming up on collaboration projects which is also an amazing development. 

Well this has been a positive thing to do. Just standing, now siting and writing has helped to stop the spiral. While allowing me to get the negative stuff out and express it, then move on to the more positive things that are going on. Mmmm, yes it's helped. 

Hope it brings something to someone, if not it helped me. 

Thanks for reading

YNA

My first tattoo!

So today happened, and I got my first tattoo! 

I am still in a bit of shock about the whole thing hahaha. 

For a while now I have wanted to get a tattoo, but I had my doubts. Did I really want it? What would it / I look like? Did I really want to grow old and have a tattoo? Would I hinder my work opportunities? 

In truth I kind of still have these questions. However I now also think: yes I want one, I've wanted one for a while, I know what I want and where I want it, maybe I will not live till I'm old, maybe it'll still look bad ass when I'm old (notice which one came first there!), when you interview you have long sleeves. 

I believe for me getting a tattoo became something I felt I could hang my hat on so so speak. This for me would be a symbol that I have / am changing. My life has changed, I have changed. As some will know, in the last two years I have 'conformed' much less to 'the man'. You just have to see my hair and the ware my flip flops have gotten to see that. 

While this one was a long time in the making it was also showing an sense of spontaneity, in that often I can overthink my way out of going something. This is often really handy as it saves me money, but it can also hold me back. 

Anyway the tattoo!

At the start of the summer I had in my mind this would be a great time to get it done. I had time away from my more formal job and it would allow time to attend a weekday appointment. Well, it's fair to say the summer passed with me walking past one of the three tattoo places near me quite a few times. I would work up excuses to not go in like: weekends will be busy, first thing they could be setting up and not ready to have a chat or do a tattoo, maybe later would be good. Then at the end of the day, ooo I think they are about to close (well in the next 30 minutes) so maybe another time.

Well that went on for a few weeks! Once most of the summer had gone I started to feel a greater sense of urgency. Additionally with the recent mental health struggles it felt like an appropriate time to do this. Otherwise maybe I never would. 

I finally went in and chatted to the place I had walked past so often. Rob was wry pleasant to talk to, he explained the best thing to do was get two or three images that I liked then discuss it with him. Sounded good, though it was a 7 week wait for an appointment. Mmmm I'm not great at waiting. So I checked out some other places online. I came back with four all with fairly equal reviews on tattoo sites and Facebook. Rob's place had the most reviews, Urban (another local place) didn't have many photos but looked good. I found two others I had I rule out, one looked great with awesome photos but no appointments till late October maybe November. The other looked....not as good. Given this is a tattoo I opted nope. So I messaged the Rob & Urban, both replied with similar costing and info. Rob confirmed I could have mid October, Urban had a slot today or in a couple of weeks. So I opted Urban. While Rob did have more reviews, he had a lot more promotion going on and a better location so I guess that's expected. I had looked on Facebook and both were liked by one or two of my friends (so I took that as a recommendation too). 

I was mega excited the day before. I didn't tell anyone I had booked it, until the night before. I told my new friend Laura that night. I was not really nervous at all, though I knew I would be on the day. 

Today I put so much thought into my food and drink hahahaha. I was booked in for 1pm so I had a big lunch early, drunk plenty of squash and made sure my phone was charged. On my way there I started to rain, quite a bit. So far to say I had a bit of drying to do once I got there. 

Once there I confirmed my design and we went over the exact size and placement of the tattoo. Then ten minutes later I was in the chair! 

At this point I was glad I'd done my online reading. I had my water bottle (which I needed!) and my phone. But possibly more importantly I felt comfortable enough to ask for the chair and rest to be moved so I could lay my arm out in a more comfortable way. This made a huge difference, given I had to hold my arm in place for 50 minutes. 

After about 10 minutes I had to ask for a short break, I had become a bit woozy and dizzy. I said I was hot, and my tattooist asked if I'd like the fan on. Man that helped big time! After about three or four minutes I was ready to go again. It hadn't been the pain, that wasn't too bad. It was my body's response that I was struggling with. However now armed with a fan (well not armed, it was on the floor) and having drunk some more water I sat there took a couple of photos, sent snapchats and whatsapp messages. There where a few particularly bits that definitely, definitely hurt more. But I guess that's normal on the inside of your arm. 

At the end there were two bits I asked to be filled in a little more (glutton for punishment) and that was that. I left armed with some coconut lotion I'm meant to put on two or three times a day - and my new tattoo! 

The place I went to was not modern! But that made me feel more relaxed, and that's what I think I needed. The staff there were very friendly and approachable. 

I had thought about getting another tattoo too. This other one has been on my mind since early this year, but I'm not quite sure on the design or placement so I decided against it this time. Plus two on my first go seems a bit excessive. 

I have been asked by Sarah and Laura (still the only two people that know about my tattoo...until now) what did you get and why?

Well, I've told you a little about why 'a' tattoo. But this one specifically, has a very simple start. While in Melbourne a few years ago, I saw a girl on a tram with a triangle tattoo and I just loved it instantly. I can't remember if hers was the same way up as mine or not, but it looked great. I wanted it. I thought about it while in Australia. But 'that me' wouldn't get a tattoo. The same concerns and doubts exist in this me. But something has changed, well a lot has changed including me! I want to say yes to more, do more, experience more. The fact I conform less and am generally less stable probably also plays a part haha. 

It has also crossed my mind that I view this as more acceptable because of that time in Australia where tattoos are more common and accepted. But I believe a lot more of it could very well be that I view it as an acceptable way to self harm. Now this could cause some disagreement, I am not saying tattoos are self harming, I am simply trying to explain and explore my own mind and the way it works. I have not focused on this line of thought as I do not believe it to be beneficial, true or not, I choose to focus on the inspirational decision and action I took to do something I wanted. Something I would previously have been to scared or would have over thought and not done. 

So I am pleased. Even if my arm does still feel sore. 

As always, no proof reading just pure thought straight to the blog. Hope you like it.