Kicks, twitches and / or ticks

Today has not been a good day, I have achieved nothing, I have had no energy all day. I am trying not to be too hard on myself and accept that I sometimes have days like this. 

However I have an interview to prepare for this week, it could make a big change, it could be a real positive change in my life. I know that I need to prepare, and I what to prepare, but I just cant do anything and that is so annoying.

I have had quite a few 'kicks' today, I dont think I have mentioned these before. I have had them for a long time, these 'kicks' or reactions I guess are better described as shocks or ticks. I think it is my body fighting back against my mind. I think it is trying to switch or refocus my mind. Sometimes it is a jolt to my head, or like a twitch to the side. Other times it can be my whole body. 

This helps to put a fork in the road or the path my mind is on. It doesn't always work, but it creates an option to rethink and refocus. I cant think of another explanation for this other than my body fighting back against my mind, but I do concede that it sounds a bit ridiculous.

This is something I have had or been doing for a while now. However I don't think I have ever really recognised or acknowledged it. I suppose I only really find myself noting it now is because someone else has commented on it.   

Brief catch up and medication increase

So it's been awhile... I think last time I posted my medication had just been increased, since then there's been a few changes. 

I was originally on 20mg of citalopram, which after my first review was increased to 40mg (I believe your meant to have a review after 4 weeks, though my review was after 10 weeks). The 20mg had helped with decreasing the intensity of the thoughts and emotions I was having. However they had not affected the frequency. I still faced constant torture with feelings of low mood, low morale, low energy, low motivation, generally very low. I was still having thoughts of self harm, the sight of a knife was and is my leading demon. But other thoughts would persist with their attempted coup of my mind, drowning, suffocation, jumping from a high position (there's a couple of places in particular). Given the condition and danger I found myself in a New Year, even drink has found a way into my mind as ways to end this thing called life. I have even thought about drugs, something I have never previously been interested in or drawn too. 

Then the moment can pass, sometimes it's quick, often it's not. I try not to think about it because of the seriousness of this..........well, because it's serious and scary. 

Now I am taking 40mg a day this has continued to help with decreasing the intensity, as well as now starting to decrease the frequency of these thoughts and emotions. They are still there, but I'm ok with that. Is that good? I mean I'm not looking for a cure. Just help and understanding, and I guess being better equipped to deal with my condition. Then on the other hand, does this mean I'm holding on to these thoughts? It is true I do miss the intensity that I was getting with these thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is an issue I discussed with a couple of people in my final iTalk CBT group, which seemed to be something one or two others were familiar with.

I think my 'wellness' has also been helped by spending more time with my nieces in the last three weeks and having a few dates has been somewhat reaffirming too. I guess it's that idea of being more stable within yourself and seeing yourself through someone else's eyes too....maybe...I don't know. 

Today I'm thinking of life as a journey, it doesn't have an end or a destination. Simply, different routes and various pathways, with plenty of options and numerous experiences to be explored. 

Till next time, I hope you're well. 

My 20mg to 40mg citalopram changes

So it's been awhile... I think last time I posted my medication had just been increased, since then there's been a few changes. 

I was originally on 20mg of citalopram, which after my first review was increased to 40mg. The 20mg had helped with decreasing the intensity of the thoughts and emotions I was having. However they had not affected the frequency. I still faced constant torture with feelings of low mood, low morale, low energy, low motivation, generally very low. I was still having thoughts of self harm, the sight of a knife was and is my leading demon. But other thoughts would persist with their attempted coup of my mind, drowning, suffocation, jumping from a high position (there's a couple of places in particular). Given the condition and danger I found myself in a New Year, even drink has found a way into my mind as ways to end this thing called life. I have even thought about drugs, something I have never previously been interested in or drawn too. 

Then the moment can pass, sometimes it's quick, often it's not. I try not to think about it because of the seriousness of this..........well, because it's serious and scary. 

Now I am taking 40mg a day this has helped to decrease the frequency of these thoughts and emotions. They are still there, but I'm ok with that. Is that good? I mean I'm not looking for a cure, just help and understanding. Then in the other hand, does this mean I'm holding on to these thoughts? It is true I do still miss the intensity that I was getting with these thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is an issue I discussed with a couple of people in my final iTalk CBT group, which seemed to be something one or two others were familiar with.

I think my 'wellness' has also been helped by spending more time with my nieces in the last three weeks and having a few dates has been somewhat reaffirming too. I guess it's that idea of being more stable within yourself and seeing yourself through someone else's eyes too....maybe...I don't know. 

Today I'm thinking of life as a journey, it doesn't have an end or a destination. Simply, different routes and various pathways, with plenty of options and numerous experiences to be explored. 

I hope you're well.