Mental Health assessment, iTalk & my spiral

The spiral that comes from nowhere...Well I guess it's not really nowhere. 

Today I had my mental health assessment and my third italk workshop. So it's actually been a big day for my mental health.

This morning I gradually became very anxious about my assessment. I was conscious of not getting my hopes up for any positive outcomes or solutions from the day, for fear of disappointment after.  At this point I've gone much more used to answering questions about my mental health, my thoughts, feelings and actions. despite this I was still quite anxious about the assessment what it was going to bring up and what the potential outcomes could be. 

Through the assessment we spoke about my life up until this point and the things could've led to me being where I am now. It was a reflective experience in a beneficial way, but was also very challenging to talk about the things / experiences that I feel I have moved on from and resolved in my mind. However from the feedback I received is possible that in some instances I have not had or experienced the physical or emotional things that a person needs to to progress from certain experiences or events. As such they could very well be unresolved subconsciously, within my mind.

Hopefully I should hear back in about a week as to the recommendations in terms of future treatment or support from this assessment. So while I'm still trying to make a conscious effort not to be hopeful, I suppose I am. From the end of the assessment I believe that I will be requiring further support and treatment following my iTalk group workshops. 

Then this evenings italk workshop... I would say for me week in week I have found the workshops to be more helpful and more beneficial. However each time I also experience spells of very negative thoughts. Particularlly this evening, where I spent most of the session just thinking about cutting. Through the session I've had a real desire to go home and grab a knife. So much so that I've decided at the end of the session and to just take a seat on the sofa here and write rather than go home just yet. 

It can be so difficult break that cycle.

The coping strategies that we have discussed in the workshops are very useful and when in class talking about what's going on can make a lot of sense and it seems a very beneficial thing to do. However when I'm at home or out and the spiral starts it can be extremely difficult to stop what's going on and implement the techniques or strategies that we have discussed. I guess that just comes from practice and keeping on working on these techniques and strategies.

I think for me, making a real effort to write more often will really help. So I'm going to try make a real conscious effort to carry a book and a pen more often and take the time to sit down and write, even if it's just for a few minutes and something very brief.

The thoughts are still in my mind but they have subsided. Sitting down to write this for a few minutes has really helped and there was a short gap where I happened to see it old friend in the corridor and had a brief chat with him. The two things have helped to shift my mind.

As I said the thoughts are still there, but they have subsided. My mind has shifted for the moment. But my mind is also now exhausted.

My first iTalk CBT Workshop

A couple of weeks back I had my iTalk phone assessment and the following week we ran through the options available to me through the iTalk service. Which were;

1. Online activities and discussions 

2. Phone CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), one to one discussions

3. CBT workshops 

I opted for the workshops, as this provided me with the most contact time and hopefully a chance to talk with other people going through a similar struggle. The online option did not really appeal to me. While I saw value in the one to one phone support, I thought I would benefit more from the additional contact time available in the workshops. The one to one phone support is still something I could access after the workshops should I require it. Additionally I was able to start the six week program the following week. Whereas the one to one phone support would have required a 6-8 week wait.  

So this week I had my first CBT workshop. The workshops I am attending are called lifting low mood. They are 90 minute sessions and run for six consecutive weeks. 

For me the first session was a bit dry with a lot of talking / presenting from the practitioners and not much from those of us attending. However this was the first session so I am hoping this is something we build on in the coming sessions. 

My workshop had two practitioners and 16 attendees. I was a bit apprehensive about how many people would be there and if anyone would recognise me, as it was held at a local venue. So I did feel some additional anxiety prior to attending. 

During the session I felt agitated a number of times. I found myself picking at skin on my fingers and playing with a pen. These things helped to keep my hands occupied, I think for me this particularly happens when I'm thinking or when I become anxious. I suppose it is a need to do something physical with my hands and keep them occupied, maybe? Through the session I wouldn't say I learnt much, but it did give me a few things to think about. I felt this was an ok start to a six week program and I like that we where given 'homework' to reflect on how our own experience would fit into a cycle that we looked at during the session in reference to a case study. I haven't done this yet. But I will do prior to next week, as we will be discussing some of our thoughts at the next workshop. 

All in all I am looking forward to the next session and seeing how it goes.  

My first week on Citalopram

After New Year I decided that I had to start taking the antidepressants that my Doctor had prescribed to me at the start of December. For lots of reasons I had tried to not take them, even as someone who would recommend to others that they should take the help that is available to them. Including recognising the importance of treating the brain in the same way as other body parts, when there is a problem or an injury we treat it sometimes that is rest sometimes that's medication or a form of therapy. The brain should be is no different.
I struggled with taking the meds because Ive always tried to be happy with who I am. Whether I'm going through bad or good points they all make up..... me. Overcoming those bad times, is part of life we all experience them. I believe that overcoming them is part of what makes us us, and what makes us strong. I felt that in taking the meds I was saying I can not cope with life, I'm not happy with who I am, I have failed. On top of that I did not want to become reliant on medication, and realised that once I started taking the citalopram I would have to keep taking it for at least 3 - 6 months.

These are the main reasons I hadn't been taking the medication before New Year, I managed to keep going day to day. Some where fine, others where clearly not. But I didn't want to take the support that was there. Slowly I did start to talk to a few more people about my depression and about the medication. To my surprise I know a few people who have taken or are taking either the same or something similar. This made a big difference to me. Knowing that not just other people do take this, but people I know, people I trust, people that I can see have benefited from taking the medication.

So after New Year I decided that I needed to start taking the citalopram. Which I have now been taking for just over one week. So I thought this would be a good time to recap what that has been like. At this stage I should say I have decided to take my meds at night just before bed, and I am taking one 20mg per day.
I would say the first 3 days my sleep was very disrupted and my dreams where dark. The first two nights this woke me mid way through in quite a bit of shock. Since then my sleep has levelled out, I am just up once or twice a night now. This is a little less than before I was taking the citalopram.
Day 2 to 6 the skin on my face was very flakey, even with dry skin moisturiser on. This too seems to have settled after the first week. Every day I have felt quite sick in the morning, while this has gradually got less as the days have passed it is still present (every day). The feeling usually lasts around one to two hours. Another thing I have noticed is that I really struggle to get out of bed in the morning, it can take over an hour! This is really not great for me, as a morning person it adds even more disappointment and depression at my struggle. I am hoping this is something that as the meds start to take affect (it takes around two weeks for them to kick in) I will find easier.
I also found the first couple of days back at work tricky with the beautiful eye I had, after some self injury at New Year, gaining some unwanted attention. While this did lead to some questions, my quick, direct, short and obvious redirect of the conversation meant that I didn't get asked about this after Tuesday by anyone.

At the end of my first week I had a friends 30th Birthday party, something that until New Year I had been looking forward to. Since then it has filled me with fear as I worry about what happens if this happens again. I tried not to think about it, hoping this would lessen the anxiety I was feeling. Even on the morning of the party I was still looking forward to it, trying not to over think. By the afternoon I was thinking about not attending, I could go to bed, I was tired, I could do other things (not sure what they were this over thinking, anxiety and depression is exhausting). I decided I wanted to go, I wasn't going to let my friend down. I would go.

The evening as a whole was lovely, I got to chat with old school friends, listen to good music and enjoy a little party food. I even managed to talk a bit about whats been going on with a couple of friends. However...I still had, I don't know something. It breaks me to know that I'm like this. So, I started to feel an internal struggle. I tried to just rest my head and focus on my breathing, but I soon lost the ability to move my head or react to anyone. I was losing myself in myself. It is so hard to explain. I don't know how long this was maybe 10 minutes? Maybe 5, maybe 20? I could feel the tears coming and I was doing all I could to keep my arms still. At some stage Sarah asked me if I wanted to go outside. Somehow I managed to pick myself up and amble to the door. Once outside I broke down the steady flow of tears started. Sarah hugged me and took me for a walk. I couldn't believe I was hear again. Yes it wasn't anything like last time, but still, I had not drunk any alcohol and was having a nice time, I felt I had got passed the anxiety of getting through the evening. As we walked I started to get angry at myself, then disappointed that I was here again. It was all I could do to stop me hitting myself. I didn't feel any victory in stopping this, just disappointment that this is where I am in my life. 'What was your achievement today? Well I just about managed to stop me hitting myself'. Great.
We walked around and we talked about some of the things that have been going on. I really do appreciate the amazing friends I have around me. After a couple of cries and hugs, we returned to the party. I was determined to stay until the end, I wouldn't let the depression ruin the night for me. As I said on the whole I choose to remember the night as lovely, but it was a challenge.

Well, that was my first week and a bit of citalopram. Fare to say its been a bit messy, but its a journey.

New Year Journal Entry - Depression & more?

So New Year...

Well it was one to remember and one to forget. I actually can't remember half of it already and not in a good way. As planned I was having a good afternoon with Darryl and Sam before going to the Talking Heads gig. Katie was also going to join us. 

However, around the time I started to feel tipsy I must have lost control. I don't remember what happened, but from what I've heard the struggles I've been keeping in took over. I lost control of my body and parts of my mind. I was still there but had no control over what I was doing. 

Apparently I started hitting myself and talking about self harming. I remember being in the conservatory trying to get air, wanting to be outside. But it's all just flashes. At times I could hear the girls voices and feel them holding my hand. It did calm me for a time I think. But I also remember struggling with Darryl and lashing out. 

I remember being in pain. I remember knowing I needed to be restrained, I remember 'tapping out' and wanting to die. I couldn't struggle any more. I had lost the fight for my body and for my mind. That 'box' your meant to put all the bad things in to contain them, now held me, instead of the bad thoughts which now had control. The most I could do was say sorry and keep asking "please help". 

At one stage, possibly two I remember getting outside and starting to walk away from the house. Well, I didn't exactly get far, pretty sure I only made it halfway up the drive. 

At some stage the guys called my dad who came and picked me up. I vaguely recall being moved / bundled into his car. Then trying really hard to at least contain myself because I was in a car. Once I was at dads I think I raged most of the night. I'm saying raged it could have been a type of seizure or attack I don't know. 

Then this morning I was again desperate for fresh air, bread and water. I don't now how loud I was but it felt like I was calling out and shouting for a long time. There was some variation, I occasionally added in a "I need help" "what's wrong with me" and what I can't only assume will now be known as my catchphrase "please help". 

During the day I did have, something I think resembling a seizure, a number of times. It started with a pins and needles like feeling in my arm, that then moved down to my hand. As this tingling filled my arm, my hand / fingers would manipulate themselves and stayed fixed in their position. Even when the seizure past it was some time until I regained control of my hand. I found this highly alarming, worrying and emotional. Particularly when trying to pick something up or even just seeing my hand. Feeling yourself lose control is not good. 

Going for a walk and getting some air helped a lot. I even managed to compose myself in front of by passers. At least I think I did. I still struggled with just coming to terms with what happened. The realisation that the battle I fight, was lost...for a while there I had lost and I was nothing, I didn't exist. 

I struggled and forced down dinner. Eating a meal has helped but it was so difficult to do. After this I slept for a few hours. Great! However I'm now waking up at 10pm less great. My eye is starting to hurt (its from hitting myself last night) and I feel soreness on my arms, legs and hands. I'm hoping that I continue to 'normalise' and am ok tomorrow. I've decided to take my medication starting Sunday. I'm hoping this will start to help in a couple of weeks too. 

Here's hoping that your New Year has got off to a better start than mine. 

New Year, same thoughts - Journal Entry

New Years it's a very reflective time. Even when your not trying to be reflective. I suppose that is ingrained into us from a young age that there is something special about new year and it being an opportunity to look back at the last 12 months, and think about the upcoming year too. New year is another part of the holidays I have always enjoyed, whether it's been watching fire works on tv, or from Ports Down Hill (a hill overlooking the Portsmouth area), or going out with friends (admittedly I think this has happened once or possibly twice). The celebration of our achievements little or small has always been a feel good thing for me. What's more I have enjoyed thinking about the future and where that may lead me, the opportunities and possibilities. 

This year is definitely different, I'll give myself that. I would say I'm probably trying to avoid thinking about what's happened at the moment. Maybe tomorrow I'll be positive, and say thanks for all the friends I've made. Right now, I just can't muster a positive thought...

This new year I've had kind of planned for a while. I'm going to another Talking Heads gig in Southampton. Originally on my own, but I've gradually gained fellow party goers, with three friends now joining in the evening. I've been looking forward to this for some time having booked the tickets back in late November or early December. However, now the day is here I'm feeling less and less up for it. I feel the anxiety taking over, and a desire to just get into bed and turn everything off. As I type this my hand has started to shake as the real thoughts and emotions start to come to the surface. 

I wonder what would happen if I didn't come back tomorrow, how long would it be until someone noticed, would someone come in time to feed the cats, or would they go elsewhere to find food? How long could money just leave my account to pay bills? Should I tidy so it's not a mess?

I do think I have felt better since Christmas has past, however I have had this before where something is overcome to accomplished. Then a few days later it's back. 

The cats have become mini saviours, they break my thought process. They come over and rub against my leg, arm or even head, and it's flips my thinking. Not every time, but most. I don't like the thought of hurting myself in front of them, and they do somehow seem to force that caring me to the top (yes there is a cat here now, and the tone has already changed). I still feel the sadness, but it is being repressed for now. This is still a concern, that not knowing why this is happening, or how to work on whatever is wrong with me. Repressing feelings can be done in the short term, but surely this can't be a long term plan. How could someone live like this?

There's other material I would like to cover, more positive things, but this isn't the time. This is more of a journal entry that I just needed to get out / say. 

Sorry it's not more uplifting. 

Happy New Year

 

Christmas with Depression

'Happy Christmas'

Strangely I already feel the sadness slipping away. Sitting here on a little mini sand pile on Bournemouth Beach at 5.45am Christmas morning.

I have been planning on doing something different this Christmas for a while. Unfortunately the original plan of a European hostel became unworkable as I changed jobs and had bills to pay. So camping was my next idea. I thought it sounded great, I already have all the things I would need; tent, sleeping bag, many jumpers and a borrowed camping stove. Additionally I thought this would require very little planning and a last minute decision could be made.

As time passed I did come to realise that this wouldn't be quite as cost free as I had first thought. Petrol and possibly / probably pitch fees. However it was not just the cost that in the end led to me reconsidering this, eventually deciding against camping.
Those that have seen my previous blog posts will be aware that I am struggling with depression and have had thoughts of self harm. These thoughts have become more regular occupants of my mind. Because of this the idea of spending two days alone in a tent reading and writing started to seem more like a dangerous idea rather than a pleasant one.
This is when I came up with the (next great) idea of sleeping at home and then coming to the beach early in the morning; spending some time here and seeing the sun rise. I can still read and write, I just will not be sat in the protective bubble of a tent.

Despite having four layers on and tucking my jeans into my socks, its pretty flipping cold at this time of the day at the beach! But I am loving it, and as I said for the moment at least it has allowed me to be happy.

Christmas, it is a time of year I have always loved. More than any birthday, Christmas was the best time of the year. The lights, the songs, the films, seeing friends; it was the best...It was.
This year is different, yes it is my first really as a single adult and the first since the end of a long term relationship. That is what those around me are thinking I can see, I know it. This year Christmas was always going to be hard.

But, it is not that, it, this, is different... its more.
I can and could be on my own. I quite like my own company and I have loved Christmas all my life. It is this depression, I have not wanted to acknowledge it. But I see it clearer now. I see what it has taken from me. How it has changed me. There are many reasons, known and unknown which will have led to this happening I suppose. But the things that I once enjoyed are now torture. The music and lights that have always brought a smile to my face, now bring tears to my eyes and sadness to my soul.

I recently saw an image trying to depict depression. There where two bodies, one with sadness inside, the second had sadness, anxiety and a lot of other words (Ive looked for the image but can't find it again). Under the first image the caption reads "This is what you think depression is". Then under the second image the caption is "This is what depression is". I agree it can be and include a lot of different things. But for me, most of the time I am feeling depressed, it is that first body. I feel filled with deep sadness. There is no reason,  nothing in my mind the emotion just takes over my body and my mind.

Its 'funny' writing how you feel can be a tricky one, especially when your not sure how you feel. At the moment I guess I feel almost like there are two of me. The first person is the person that everyone knows and recognises. The happy smiley me. The me that I feel less often, the me that I struggle to hold on too. The second is someone I have kept hidden, but they are intruding on more of my life. I still keep them hidden from others, I think, they are unhappy, sad, depressed, unsure and has thoughts of self harm. This is the internal struggle that has become my life.

In the last two days I would say I have also experienced anxiety, because of Christmas related activities and commitments. I feel the effect it has on my body. I feel my breathing change, I feel my heart beat much faster, I feel the unsteadiness in my step, I feel my hand shake. I feel the effect. I would say that anxiety has not been part of my depression until now. So I am hoping that after Christmas has passed this will subside.

At the start of December I visited my GP who prescribed me antidepressants. I have been apprehensive about taking them, and continue to battle without them. However I think that the recent changes in my thought processes have made me rethink this. I have phone consultation on the 29th and at that point I think it will be good to re-evaluate where I am. I may write a separate post about my medication thoughts and fears.

Well, that's it from the beach, although Ill type this up at home...
I hope you have / had a Merry Christmas and found your own happiness in there somewhere.

OK, so I have since noticed that I have missed a 'T', but at the time (around 6-7am) I thought it looked great.





Links that you may find useful;
MIND
The Dark Place Podcast - @darkplacepod

My Mental Health Last Monday - Depression

These are notes, or thoughts I had a week or so ago. They are from three parts of my Monday morning. I have left the text as disjointed as when I wrote it to give you an idea of the fragmentation going on within my mind. 

Monday 7am

I am writing this in an attempt to make today seem real...Nothing feels real. My cereal didn't taste of anything, my drink tasted like an orange complexion from some other flavour or ingredients. Since waking this morning there has been no urgency to get ready for work. The only urgency has been in writing this before all thought leaves my mind. 

If you died, would you know? Could this be a weird dream. Am I already dead?

Last night, I got out of bed, walked down stairs, into the kitchen, I picked up a knife and placed it on my wrist, twice. 

In my mind I feel I know that I didn't do it. But what if I did, what if I did and now I'm dead. And this isn't real. 

Monday 8.30am

I'm here and it's time to pretend I'm ok. 

Time to pretend I'm not confused. 

Time to pretend I'm not thinking about harming myself. 

Time to pretend I'm not so depressingly sad. 

Time to pretend I'm ok. 

I'm not sure who this act is for. 

Is it really for them. Or do I want to come to work because while I'm pretending for them, I'm really pretending for me. 

Monday 9.30am

When your best friend asks if your ok and you don't reply. Because you can't. You've always been 100% honest with each other, and you just can't bring yourself to tell them what you did, what you nearly did. 

Now

I continue to struggle, but I'm learning to talk more and speak to people about mental health and depression in particular. I've started to talk to some great people on Twitter who are going through similar struggles, which has helped. If you would like to chat feel free to follow or tweet me @Mike_Douglas_

Potentially useful links;

http://www.mind.org.uk/

http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/mentalhealth/Pages/Mentalhealthhome.aspx