Bad times, sad times

It's been a hard day. I haven't really got up, I have not got dressed, washed or gone out side. My productive plans left the house, unlike me. 

Some people can enjoy a day of rest and relaxation. Heck, sometimes even I can. 

But I've felt a little off all day. I have been drowzee and lacked energy or motivation. 

Now it's late and I feel...I know I should be sleeping. But it's not happening. As I lay in bed with a podcast on in the background, I found myself placing a pillow over my face. Pushing down on the pillow to see what it feels like. Being disappointed when it's not hard to breathe. So I push harder. I feel a twich in my leg (nothing special about that these days) and I begin to find my breathing harder. I'm not getting as much oxygen as I was a moment ago. In my twisted mind, I knew this is want I wanted. Not to just see what it was like, but to do it. I had just used that as an excuse to myself, to talk myself into doing this. 

I started to taste the fabric of the pillow in my mouth, as if I was breathing more of the pillow than air now. My attempted breathing began to quicken. My mind racing, wanting to stop and to continue at the same time. My body somehow felt separate from my head, there was so much happening there.

Eventually I threw the pillow from my face, as  my body struggled to again have access to air and oxygen. 

My throat feels sore, I feel silly, but the worst thought is I will likely do this again. I can already feel the desire building up. These are the twisted thoughts that have taken hold of my mind before and continue to harvest my sole.