But not in the way your told too. I'm not thinking about all the positive things, the things I done, the places I've seen or the people I've met.
I'm talking about the extremes, the highs the lows, the dirty horrid lows. The thoughts of self loathing, of personal destruction. The moments that I FEEL!
Because in these moments I do feel. I have managed to cut out so much of the 'happy me' that those positive thoughts no longer last or establish themselves in my mind.
The idea that I could be happy full stop, is alien to me. I hope only for moments of happiness, as a solace from the constant trial that is life.
I believe that I have made progress, and that shows where I've come from. But if this is it, shouldn't I be happy with this? So many people say you should or shouldn't do something... Does that make it right?
I know I shouldn't love the extremes, I shouldn't long for their embrace. I shouldn't only feel when they come to destroy me. But in that moment...sadly that is happiest and my saddest.
This is my messed up mind.
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