Kicks, twitches and / or ticks

Today has not been a good day, I have achieved nothing, I have had no energy all day. I am trying not to be too hard on myself and accept that I sometimes have days like this. 

However I have an interview to prepare for this week, it could make a big change, it could be a real positive change in my life. I know that I need to prepare, and I what to prepare, but I just cant do anything and that is so annoying.

I have had quite a few 'kicks' today, I dont think I have mentioned these before. I have had them for a long time, these 'kicks' or reactions I guess are better described as shocks or ticks. I think it is my body fighting back against my mind. I think it is trying to switch or refocus my mind. Sometimes it is a jolt to my head, or like a twitch to the side. Other times it can be my whole body. 

This helps to put a fork in the road or the path my mind is on. It doesn't always work, but it creates an option to rethink and refocus. I cant think of another explanation for this other than my body fighting back against my mind, but I do concede that it sounds a bit ridiculous.

This is something I have had or been doing for a while now. However I don't think I have ever really recognised or acknowledged it. I suppose I only really find myself noting it now is because someone else has commented on it.   

Brief catch up and medication increase

So it's been awhile... I think last time I posted my medication had just been increased, since then there's been a few changes. 

I was originally on 20mg of citalopram, which after my first review was increased to 40mg (I believe your meant to have a review after 4 weeks, though my review was after 10 weeks). The 20mg had helped with decreasing the intensity of the thoughts and emotions I was having. However they had not affected the frequency. I still faced constant torture with feelings of low mood, low morale, low energy, low motivation, generally very low. I was still having thoughts of self harm, the sight of a knife was and is my leading demon. But other thoughts would persist with their attempted coup of my mind, drowning, suffocation, jumping from a high position (there's a couple of places in particular). Given the condition and danger I found myself in a New Year, even drink has found a way into my mind as ways to end this thing called life. I have even thought about drugs, something I have never previously been interested in or drawn too. 

Then the moment can pass, sometimes it's quick, often it's not. I try not to think about it because of the seriousness of this..........well, because it's serious and scary. 

Now I am taking 40mg a day this has continued to help with decreasing the intensity, as well as now starting to decrease the frequency of these thoughts and emotions. They are still there, but I'm ok with that. Is that good? I mean I'm not looking for a cure. Just help and understanding, and I guess being better equipped to deal with my condition. Then on the other hand, does this mean I'm holding on to these thoughts? It is true I do miss the intensity that I was getting with these thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is an issue I discussed with a couple of people in my final iTalk CBT group, which seemed to be something one or two others were familiar with.

I think my 'wellness' has also been helped by spending more time with my nieces in the last three weeks and having a few dates has been somewhat reaffirming too. I guess it's that idea of being more stable within yourself and seeing yourself through someone else's eyes too....maybe...I don't know. 

Today I'm thinking of life as a journey, it doesn't have an end or a destination. Simply, different routes and various pathways, with plenty of options and numerous experiences to be explored. 

Till next time, I hope you're well. 

My 20mg to 40mg citalopram changes

So it's been awhile... I think last time I posted my medication had just been increased, since then there's been a few changes. 

I was originally on 20mg of citalopram, which after my first review was increased to 40mg. The 20mg had helped with decreasing the intensity of the thoughts and emotions I was having. However they had not affected the frequency. I still faced constant torture with feelings of low mood, low morale, low energy, low motivation, generally very low. I was still having thoughts of self harm, the sight of a knife was and is my leading demon. But other thoughts would persist with their attempted coup of my mind, drowning, suffocation, jumping from a high position (there's a couple of places in particular). Given the condition and danger I found myself in a New Year, even drink has found a way into my mind as ways to end this thing called life. I have even thought about drugs, something I have never previously been interested in or drawn too. 

Then the moment can pass, sometimes it's quick, often it's not. I try not to think about it because of the seriousness of this..........well, because it's serious and scary. 

Now I am taking 40mg a day this has helped to decrease the frequency of these thoughts and emotions. They are still there, but I'm ok with that. Is that good? I mean I'm not looking for a cure, just help and understanding. Then in the other hand, does this mean I'm holding on to these thoughts? It is true I do still miss the intensity that I was getting with these thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is an issue I discussed with a couple of people in my final iTalk CBT group, which seemed to be something one or two others were familiar with.

I think my 'wellness' has also been helped by spending more time with my nieces in the last three weeks and having a few dates has been somewhat reaffirming too. I guess it's that idea of being more stable within yourself and seeing yourself through someone else's eyes too....maybe...I don't know. 

Today I'm thinking of life as a journey, it doesn't have an end or a destination. Simply, different routes and various pathways, with plenty of options and numerous experiences to be explored. 

I hope you're well. 

Medication Review - My Citalopram

It's been a while, for a few things I suppose. This is actually the third or fourth post I've started to write, but for whatever reason the other two didn't quite make it. I think I was probably about half way through and then something will come up and after I don't come back to writing. I have had Demi Lovato 'Stone Cold' on a loop for the last 10 to 15 minutes so I'm feeling quite relaxed and in the mood to type out some thoughts. 

Well, not sure where to start so this could get jumpy...

I've just had about 10 days of feeling pretty decent and in fact ok to good. So that's good. I have kept social, seeing a few friends. Mostly one to ones to have a good talk about life and everything related. This has been good and I have been really pleased with the positive responses I've had from people about my change in the last couple of months. That's really nice to hear, especially from Sarah, who I talk to everyday and Marco, who I've not seen for 5-6 weeks. So apparently it's noticeable. Yay! 

With that in mind, it may come as a bit of a surprise that my medication is being increased, doubled in fact. I think this is for a couple of reasons: 

1. After having a mental health assessment, I was told contradicting things which has annoyed me. The outcome seems to be that one avenue of support is being cut off to me. Which I wouldn't mind, if that was made clear and I had not been told something else initially. *Breathe*

2. My iTalk group therapy sessions have now finished (after completion of a six week programme). So again another avenue of support, that I have found useful and beneficial is, for now, closed. While I do have the experience of the group and resources to use, I already miss the weekly gathering to discuss how our weeks have gone. However I am having a second review discussion next week. Which I am hopeful about. 

3. My negative thoughts including self harm, have lowered in intensity. However they are ever present in my day to day life. 

4. Despite the fact that my medication should have been reviewed after four weeks, this is my first review since starting citalopram ten weeks ago.

5. Do I want to get better? This is something I've asked myself quite a lot. It may seem like a really 'weird' thing to many of you. But this is an illness of the mind after all. 

The citalopram has helped to level me out, as I've previously mentioned, this has centred (for lack of a better term) my feelings and emotions to some extent. While I miss some of the highs, it's actually the lows I miss more. The rush of emotion, the desperation, as I said it doesn't make sense. I'm just telling you how I feel, I'm not, I can't, tell you why.

I'm planning on writing a post about my iTalk experience soon which will review what I have experienced and my thoughts on the support available through the service I used. Hopefully that maybe helpful to someone out there. It'll be a good recap for me. 

As for now, tomorrow I start my double dose, let's see how that goes. There's been a few other things going on but I'm not sure about if I want to post about those things yet. Likely I will do, just not right now.

Keep talking, let's tackle that dude/dudette called stigma! 

 

Talking Out - Our Mental Health

So wow, I am so pleased by the positive comments I have received since posting my Men Tell Health blog (if you've not read it already, here is a link).

It still feels like a risk when I post, particularly when I share links to my posts on social media. As a lot of you know its hard to talk about how you feel and what your experiencing when your not even sure yourself. I have mentioned before how much writing about whats going is beneficial for me. It is an opportunity to express how I am feeling and a chance to reflect.
I think for me also, somehow having an outlet where these thoughts and emotions can leave my body. Im not sure how to describe it, I imagine I would get a similar feeling from cutting, but this option is less painful, so its preferable at the moment.

Anyway, the main reason I wanted to write this post is to say thank you and state my immeasurable respect for the challenges overcome by some of my friends. Challenges I may never have known about without speaking out, talking about my experience and starting the conversation. Some people have said they could never talk so openly about their experience with mental health issues. To this I have two main thoughts;

1. It is your life, your thoughts, feelings, emotions and experiences. You do not have to share, that is your choice. Just like its my choice to not tell you how often I go to the toilet or dance around in the kitchen. Its not a bad thing, its not a secret. But it is my choice not to share that, because I don't feel a need to talk about it.

2. There is a difference between not needing to talk about it / making your choice and feeling like you can't.
I hope you know that you can talk about it and you have made your own choice to talk or not talk about it. Rather than thinking you can't talk about it (whatever 'it' is). You can. Whether its something you've been through, or still going through, please know its ok to not be ok!

I hope you know that.

Those I have spoken to and those who have spoken openly in return (there is a few of you now) I say honestly and publicly that I have the upmost respect and admiration for you. For the challenges you've already overcome, the battles you continue to fight, the courage you show on a daily basis. I adore the person you are right now.

Know that there is support out there, that there others struggling with you. We all have our own battles to fight, our own thoughts, feelings and emotions that challenge us on a daily basis. While our struggles are different, we are here together.

Let me know how your doing,
Please, Please lets keep talking.

My Men Tell Health Blog Post

Hi Everyone,

Slightly different post this time. I have recently blog posted for Men Tell Health and just wanted to signpost to that really. Please feel free to share.

Thanks

The blog link is here.

Mental Health assessment, iTalk & my spiral

The spiral that comes from nowhere...Well I guess it's not really nowhere. 

Today I had my mental health assessment and my third italk workshop. So it's actually been a big day for my mental health.

This morning I gradually became very anxious about my assessment. I was conscious of not getting my hopes up for any positive outcomes or solutions from the day, for fear of disappointment after.  At this point I've gone much more used to answering questions about my mental health, my thoughts, feelings and actions. despite this I was still quite anxious about the assessment what it was going to bring up and what the potential outcomes could be. 

Through the assessment we spoke about my life up until this point and the things could've led to me being where I am now. It was a reflective experience in a beneficial way, but was also very challenging to talk about the things / experiences that I feel I have moved on from and resolved in my mind. However from the feedback I received is possible that in some instances I have not had or experienced the physical or emotional things that a person needs to to progress from certain experiences or events. As such they could very well be unresolved subconsciously, within my mind.

Hopefully I should hear back in about a week as to the recommendations in terms of future treatment or support from this assessment. So while I'm still trying to make a conscious effort not to be hopeful, I suppose I am. From the end of the assessment I believe that I will be requiring further support and treatment following my iTalk group workshops. 

Then this evenings italk workshop... I would say for me week in week I have found the workshops to be more helpful and more beneficial. However each time I also experience spells of very negative thoughts. Particularlly this evening, where I spent most of the session just thinking about cutting. Through the session I've had a real desire to go home and grab a knife. So much so that I've decided at the end of the session and to just take a seat on the sofa here and write rather than go home just yet. 

It can be so difficult break that cycle.

The coping strategies that we have discussed in the workshops are very useful and when in class talking about what's going on can make a lot of sense and it seems a very beneficial thing to do. However when I'm at home or out and the spiral starts it can be extremely difficult to stop what's going on and implement the techniques or strategies that we have discussed. I guess that just comes from practice and keeping on working on these techniques and strategies.

I think for me, making a real effort to write more often will really help. So I'm going to try make a real conscious effort to carry a book and a pen more often and take the time to sit down and write, even if it's just for a few minutes and something very brief.

The thoughts are still in my mind but they have subsided. Sitting down to write this for a few minutes has really helped and there was a short gap where I happened to see it old friend in the corridor and had a brief chat with him. The two things have helped to shift my mind.

As I said the thoughts are still there, but they have subsided. My mind has shifted for the moment. But my mind is also now exhausted.