Mike's Open Journal Podcast Episode 1 - Me & Why

So here we go. For readers of my blog this will be old news, but its an introduction to me and my mental health adventure. Its raw audio and I have no idea what Im doing so go easy! haha

Open Journal Episode 1

Podcast Pilot

Im attempting to start a podcast, but Im doing this self taught (with googles help).
Let see if it works...

Podcast Pilot

Motivation and enthusiasm are low

Its been awhile...again. I have been finding writing more easy to put off, or rather less enthusiasm about doing it lately. I have started to think about doing a podcast as that (in my mind) could be done more ad hoc, or could even be organised if I was doing it with other people. 

I think for me as well. I have found myself listening to podcasts much more than I read blogs. So it is kind of matching up with what I'm interested in. 

Medication-wise I am still on the 40mg of citalopram, and should be having a medication review soon. Though I'm currently midway through a six week wait for my appointment with the GP. So I will have been taking this new dosage for around 12-13 weeks when I have my review. When I believe this is meant to happen after four weeks. 

I think for me the medication and dosage has worked well. While they do still happen, my negative thoughts as less frequent and less intense. However I have had multiple occasions where I start to have uncontrollable twitching in my right hand. Sometimes I have been able to gradually stop it quickly. Other times I kind of have to fight through it and it can last up to 7-8 minutes (I'm guessing here). I have been restrained by the person I'm with twice because I can't control the twitching and it starts to lead to more. Including being emotional and struggling to get free. Even starting to struggle to not hit myself.

I am not sure if this is the medication, I don't really think it is. Or whether it is related to a situation or conversation I am having at that time. I have been told that it can start when I talk about the future, which makes sense to me. The last time it started (I controlled it quickly because I knew it was coming) was watching a film where there was a line 'please help me' as a character fights for their consciousness and their mind (X Men Apocalypse) that gave me flashbacks to New Year and being out of control. So again this makes sense to me. I think because I have been able to make some sense of these twitching fits I feel much more relaxed about them. It's still a concern and very draining (I'm always very tired after), but I have been able to make sense of them so far and I have found comfort in that.  

Increased dosages and a mini episode

About five weeks ago now I had another appointment with my GP. At that time we reviewed my 10 weeks on citalopram, and took into account my current experiences. At this time my GP recommended that my citalopram dosage was increased from 20 to 40 mg. This seemed like a beneficial decision to me, while it's never going to be good to hear you probably need more medication, I felt the citalopram had been helping. It had decreased the intensity of my thoughts, but not the frequency of them. As such the increase in dosage made sense to me.

Since the increase in dosage I have generally felt less low so I think the increase has been beneficial and a good thing for me. 

It's kind of a good medication update which I think I may have mentioned in previous posts as well. However two weeks ago I had mini episode, which was the first one since January, so it was really scary, quite annoying, emotional and very tiring experience. 

The episode started with my foot shaking and then my leg. I'm not sure if my leg was actually shaking, or if my foot was moving so much that made my leg move. This was followed by a outpour of emotion, tears and eventually this led to me hitting myself. 

There was someone else with me in the evening, which I guess was helpful in terms of having someone to look out for me. But it also made me more emotional and more annoyed, because I didn't want to be like this in front of them. I think it was probably that frustration lead to me hitting myself. 

Having been restrained (not in a good way) and the moment passing, I began to carm down. Following that episode I still had a few shakes and twitches for the following 10 to 15 minutes, maybe a bit longer I'm not sure. 

Since then this hasn't happened again, which I think maybe because on the day there are quite a few things going on. So maybe an internal emotion or worry was the cause. Although that being said I hadn't been worrying about anything, in fact was looking forward to the day and I enjoyed it. So I'm just not sure really what happened, I think that's another reason why episodes like this are so scary. 

I will be making another appointment with my GP in a week or so and hopefully see how my increased dosage is going. I will also ask about this latest mini episode to see if there could be any other cause, or anything else I could do to help prevent this happening. Particularly given this is the first one since January. 

Hope everyone is well. Stay safe. 

Thanks for reading. 

Kicks, twitches and / or ticks

Today has not been a good day, I have achieved nothing, I have had no energy all day. I am trying not to be too hard on myself and accept that I sometimes have days like this. 

However I have an interview to prepare for this week, it could make a big change, it could be a real positive change in my life. I know that I need to prepare, and I what to prepare, but I just cant do anything and that is so annoying.

I have had quite a few 'kicks' today, I dont think I have mentioned these before. I have had them for a long time, these 'kicks' or reactions I guess are better described as shocks or ticks. I think it is my body fighting back against my mind. I think it is trying to switch or refocus my mind. Sometimes it is a jolt to my head, or like a twitch to the side. Other times it can be my whole body. 

This helps to put a fork in the road or the path my mind is on. It doesn't always work, but it creates an option to rethink and refocus. I cant think of another explanation for this other than my body fighting back against my mind, but I do concede that it sounds a bit ridiculous.

This is something I have had or been doing for a while now. However I don't think I have ever really recognised or acknowledged it. I suppose I only really find myself noting it now is because someone else has commented on it.   

Brief catch up and medication increase

So it's been awhile... I think last time I posted my medication had just been increased, since then there's been a few changes. 

I was originally on 20mg of citalopram, which after my first review was increased to 40mg (I believe your meant to have a review after 4 weeks, though my review was after 10 weeks). The 20mg had helped with decreasing the intensity of the thoughts and emotions I was having. However they had not affected the frequency. I still faced constant torture with feelings of low mood, low morale, low energy, low motivation, generally very low. I was still having thoughts of self harm, the sight of a knife was and is my leading demon. But other thoughts would persist with their attempted coup of my mind, drowning, suffocation, jumping from a high position (there's a couple of places in particular). Given the condition and danger I found myself in a New Year, even drink has found a way into my mind as ways to end this thing called life. I have even thought about drugs, something I have never previously been interested in or drawn too. 

Then the moment can pass, sometimes it's quick, often it's not. I try not to think about it because of the seriousness of this..........well, because it's serious and scary. 

Now I am taking 40mg a day this has continued to help with decreasing the intensity, as well as now starting to decrease the frequency of these thoughts and emotions. They are still there, but I'm ok with that. Is that good? I mean I'm not looking for a cure. Just help and understanding, and I guess being better equipped to deal with my condition. Then on the other hand, does this mean I'm holding on to these thoughts? It is true I do miss the intensity that I was getting with these thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is an issue I discussed with a couple of people in my final iTalk CBT group, which seemed to be something one or two others were familiar with.

I think my 'wellness' has also been helped by spending more time with my nieces in the last three weeks and having a few dates has been somewhat reaffirming too. I guess it's that idea of being more stable within yourself and seeing yourself through someone else's eyes too....maybe...I don't know. 

Today I'm thinking of life as a journey, it doesn't have an end or a destination. Simply, different routes and various pathways, with plenty of options and numerous experiences to be explored. 

Till next time, I hope you're well. 

My 20mg to 40mg citalopram changes

So it's been awhile... I think last time I posted my medication had just been increased, since then there's been a few changes. 

I was originally on 20mg of citalopram, which after my first review was increased to 40mg. The 20mg had helped with decreasing the intensity of the thoughts and emotions I was having. However they had not affected the frequency. I still faced constant torture with feelings of low mood, low morale, low energy, low motivation, generally very low. I was still having thoughts of self harm, the sight of a knife was and is my leading demon. But other thoughts would persist with their attempted coup of my mind, drowning, suffocation, jumping from a high position (there's a couple of places in particular). Given the condition and danger I found myself in a New Year, even drink has found a way into my mind as ways to end this thing called life. I have even thought about drugs, something I have never previously been interested in or drawn too. 

Then the moment can pass, sometimes it's quick, often it's not. I try not to think about it because of the seriousness of this..........well, because it's serious and scary. 

Now I am taking 40mg a day this has helped to decrease the frequency of these thoughts and emotions. They are still there, but I'm ok with that. Is that good? I mean I'm not looking for a cure, just help and understanding. Then in the other hand, does this mean I'm holding on to these thoughts? It is true I do still miss the intensity that I was getting with these thoughts, feelings and emotions. This is an issue I discussed with a couple of people in my final iTalk CBT group, which seemed to be something one or two others were familiar with.

I think my 'wellness' has also been helped by spending more time with my nieces in the last three weeks and having a few dates has been somewhat reaffirming too. I guess it's that idea of being more stable within yourself and seeing yourself through someone else's eyes too....maybe...I don't know. 

Today I'm thinking of life as a journey, it doesn't have an end or a destination. Simply, different routes and various pathways, with plenty of options and numerous experiences to be explored. 

I hope you're well.