It's Friday night 9.40 to be precise, and I'm laying in bed naked. It's pretty cool.
Since getting in from work I've watched tv as I've moved around the house. Catching TNA Impact while I cooked and ate dinner. Then DCI Banks and Cold Feet while I had a bath - yes that's a two hour bath and I am starting to consider myself a merman.
Strangely as winter has started to come around, autumn is seemingly just pre-winter, I have started to take to being naked as much as possible (while at home obviously). I'm still surprised how much more comfortable being naked is compared to wearing clothes. But...it is.
I am hoping there is maybe something more deep and meaningful about it, like I'm becoming more comfortable with my own body and 'happier' in myself. Well, there's no harm in hoping right?
Yes, there has been a couple of times I've started to have episodes. But fortunately they are not escalating, because I really don't want to be found bruised and naked on the floor when someone comes round haha.
I have in the last few weeks started to be quite reclusive in my own time. I'll come home from work and have food almost straight away, sometimes more to tick it off the list than because I'm hungry. The joy I used to get from food, it hasn't gone as such, but it's definitely notability diminished. I am considering going down in meals, like this week. Two days I had chicken and sweetcorn pasta with chips for dinner. I'm fairly sure that's not a traditional dinner.
That being said I am eating way more sweets now than I think I ever have. That can't be good. I regularly feel a craving for sugary snacks and even for cola, something I wouldn't say I've ever really craved that much before. I wonder if I feel like I need them to give me a short burst of energy? Maybe they are my version of an energy drink? Who knows, not me that's for sure.
I'll still surrounding myself with sound, be that music, podcasts, YouTube, radio or catch up tv (though not BBC anymore thanks to the TV licence money crabbing greedy network. I've even stopped go to the BBC website as a protest!). The more I notice it the more I realise it is likely to be to avoid fully relaxing. To ensure my mind is kept active and busy. To not allow it an opportunity to wonder and think those dark thoughts, to try and keep some sort of pace up as I stumble through the day, from task to task from job to job.
When I rest its not long till the twitching starts. It can be just one or two, sometimes it's more. If I'm lucky that's it. Sometimes it still leads to a whole body spasm. Which has happened already this evening (while I was in the bath, yay, good job the water level wasn't too high). It's just, well, it's kind of heart breaking to be like this. It, it just is so shit... I am neglecting friends, it's hard to keep motivation and I feel like it shouldn't be hard work. Like I want to see people, I just can't. It's frustrating and so hard to explain.
The last two days I've called friends while I'm on the way home sat in traffic. I guess it's a small thing that I am doing in that direction. I have also spoken a fair amount to guys and girls online about mental health (as a general topic, but also reflected on my own experience) and that has been really helpful. It in part is easier because it's through a phone or computer. I think maybe I feel that I have some sort of extra protection or safety by doing this online. But also as I have said before not having to back track or feel like you've changed. They only know you/me as I am now. There's no comparison in their head. Or more accurately and confusingly in my head of in their head - have you picked up on any of the over thinking yet?
I don't know where I'm at, I spoke to Sarah today about the my thoughts on my previous relationship and that I don't think I have dealt with the problem I had, I am simply ignoring it. Right now I feel like I need to to get to a saver place. Which hopefully I kind of am, that just means I now need to reflect on some of those issues. Right now I feel like I need to just go to sleep. There's too much thinking and not enough sound (I have turned all sound off to right this in an attempt to concentrate).
Do any of you love being naked?
Have you experiences similar physical episodes?
It would be great to hear from you.
No comments:
Post a Comment